Vol. 11, No. 2 • May 2007

Children Do Best in Families

by Jeanne Preisler

It was twelve years ago. Spring was trying its best to push winter aside. The temperature outside was nearly perfect – not too hot, not too cold. The sun was very bright, but unfortunately, my mood was not. My heart pounded in my chest as I walked from my car to the building. I remember stepping into the open room, unsure of what to expect. The group home cottage had eight beds, four on each side. Each girl had decorated her space to reflect her own style. Collectively it added up to visual chaos. The energy of the room picked up as I entered. I was a visitor. The noise increased as many girls asked questions and wanted to show me around. But my focus was on the teenage girl I had come to see.

Maya was 14 when she entered foster care. The reasons are too ghastly to share here. As a friend of my niece who lived with me, I had met her on a few occasions prior to this day. She had spent the night at my house once or twice. Today, my niece and I were visiting her at the group home where she had been placed. She wanted to come live with us. She asked if I would become a foster parent. I was 26 years old, single, scared, and unsure of what to do. At least, I was unsure until I walked into the room on that spring morning.

The two teenage girls that I eventually took into my home will themselves be 26 years old this year. It is strange to think about (for them and for me). But that day at the group home will forever be etched in my heart. We often hear “children do best in families” and I can feel the truth in these words. It is not easy to explain, however, why they do best in families. I asked Maya to reflect on her experience in the group home. This is what she had to say:

Children who have experienced situations traumatic enough to necessitate such care exist in survival mentality; in large groups, this manifests as an animalistic, mob-rule system. Children begin to search for emotional support within gang and pack-like structures led by the strongest and most intimidating child present. Any unsupervised moment becomes an opportunity for the pack to torment the newest and weakest member of the group. This teasing and emotional torture is designed to demean and depress the victim.

If successful, the leaders can further torment the weakest member by reporting emotional disturbances to the staff, thus resulting in restrictions, punishments and in some cases, more berating and teasing. Because gang leaders are often the most senior residents, they are often the first to present their ‘concern’ for their fellow housemate’s behavior and well-being to the staff. These abused children have no trusted adults to turn to. What this creates is a private hell-like prison inside the supposed sanctuary.

My daughter was in one of the 79 group homes in North Carolina. Approximately 16% of all children who enter the world of foster care will be placed in a group home. Although that percentage has decreased from the low 20s in recent years, we still have close to 1,000 kids in group homes in NC today. Anything that is not a family setting is considered a group home. It could be a residential school or an emergency shelter. It could be large or small; it could provide mental health treatment to a child or just the standard supervision.

Why are so many of our youth placed in group homes? Sometimes it is appropriate for emergency, safety, or treatment needs, but it is often because we cannot find foster families willing to work with teenagers. Families are scared of a young person’s potential behaviors—running away, stealing, breaking things, etc. I know because I was also scared. But do we really want fear to win out over doing what is right? Children are suffering because adults are scared.

There is a teenager right now, in a group home, lying in a bed without much privacy, wondering how it is possible that his social worker cannot find one foster family to take him in. He is trying to finish high school, trying to stay out of trouble, and trying to find his way among peer pressure. Why is it so hard to open our doors to this child? How many of you reading this have an open bed? What is stopping you from calling your social worker and letting him or her know that you are willing to open your home to teenagers? Is it fear?

Equally as important as shedding our fears, we need to be advocates for these children. If everyone reading this, and everyone in the foster care and adoption community, committed to telling ten people every month about the need for more foster/adoptive parents for teenagers, we might be able to make a difference in North Carolina. “You don’t have to be perfect to be the perfect parent” is the Ad Council’s national theme for foster care/adoption recruitment. It is true! Those of us who have done it can attest to that. (My girls would certainly attest to that too!) It is our responsibility to recruit more parents. Go out there and tell ten people this month there is a teenager in need. Give them your agency’s telephone number or NC Kids Adoption & Foster Care Network’s telephone number (1-877-NCKIDS-1). We won’t be asking you or them to go it alone. There are support agencies out there, such as the NC Foster and Adoptive Parent Association and the Family Support Network of North Carolina, that can help them on their journey.

Opening my home to two teenagers was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it was also the best. They bring me such joy and have made me so proud to be their mom. They are both in college, doing incredibly well, and have wonderful plans for the future. If a single 26 year old girl can do it, you can definitely do it too! Let’s give more young people an opportunity to “do best in families” by opening our doors and recruiting more families to open theirs.

Copyright � 2007 Jordan Institute for Families