Vol. 4, No. 2• May 2000

Understanding Birth Family Grief

Much of the behavior that pains and puzzles foster parents can be understood when it is viewed in the context of the grieving process that parents go through when they lose their children. The stages of birth family grief are:

Shock: Parents cry and plead for another chance. They can't believe their children are gone. They may feel like they are sleepwalking though life. They may be angry and irrational. Protest: Parents show their feelings in more physical ways. They may be sick, can't sleep, are tired, or have headaches. They may cry or lash out at anyone who seems like an enemy. They may refuse to do anything the judge demands because to do so would be to admit guilt. They may feel everything is hopeless and give up trying to reunite with their children.

3. Adjustment: Things start settling down. Parents regain appetite, sleep through the night, and think more clearly. The more they see their child in a non-threatening, nonjudgmental setting, the harder they may try to reunite with their child. Their self-esteem heightens and they are more open for support.

Copyright � 2000 Jordan Institute for Families