Vol. 8, No. 2• May 2004

Dear Foster Parents . . .

An open letter from Heather, a former foster youth

Dear foster parents,

I have been adopted twice now. I read Debbie Gallimore’s article [in the last issue of Fostering Perspectives] and I do agree with her that if you respect and “take in” a foster child’s family, that child will take you (the foster parent) in. I find this true in my life.

Now that I am adopted for the second time I find it harder to trust and become dependable upon my adopted parents. From a personal experience I will say that it hurts whenever “my” parents talk negatively about my family and I find it harder to respect them afterwards. Our real family is something that was taken from us and we acknowledge that every second of each day. It hurts us worse every time someone mentions our family, it is offensive and your words will never go away.

It is not easy for a child to adapt to a new family. The best way to earn a child’s trust, respect, and dependence is to respect their feeling toward their family.

Most of my life I have been independent and parentless (referring to parental care and guidance), so when I was adopted for the second time “my” parents did not and sometimes they still do not understand why I’m not getting along with them. I am still not used to being able to depend upon anyone and my trust in anyone is gone.

Why? Because that is to me the safest way not to get hurt again. I even find it hard to love or care for “my” new family. I will reject their love to me because it is something I have not yet been able to take in. I don’t care for family time or bonding time because I am very uncomfortable with it. Part of the time these feelings come because of something they had said to me either about me or my family. I do not have my family and I wish to see them all.

I am proud of all my accomplishments that I have made so far in my life. Most of all, I am glad that I did not give up on life even through the hard times when I would’ve rather have been dead.

One of my wishes in life is to be able to be the little girl I once was, when I did not worry how the day would end or if I could ever trust or depend on anyone again. It was a time when I was happy.

I do not write to you to tell you of all my problems that very few know about. I write to say this: what you say and how you treat a foster child does affect them, whether they show you it or not. I cry every night because my heart aches from not being able to be with my family, wondering if they were even alive, wondering what it is like to be held by my real mother. I cry because I feel alone and I feel like something is missing.

Every foster child cries because they are in pain. We want to be held and cared for, we reject it because we are afraid of getting too close to anyone. Please keep this in mind when you have a foster child of any kind in your home because what you do and how you react to a child does make an impact on their lives forever.

Heather is 16. She received $15 for having her letter published.

 

Copyright � 2004 Jordan Institute for Families