Vol. 10, No. 1• November 2005

My second look at "advice for foster parents"

by Elizabeth Cassedy

I’m going to be leaving DSS in a few months. Lately I find myself reflecting on my experiences with foster parents, especially on the advice I gave earlier in my career as a licensing social worker, and the advice I would give now. Of course, my reflections are tempered by my recent experiences as a foster/adoptive parent. Here are some of the observations I have made during this “second look” at advice for foster parents.

Consequences. A long time ago, I would advise parents to use stickers, charts, rewards, consequences, grounding—the usual. Then a few years ago Dr. Katherine Leslie gave me wonderful advice about teaching your child consequences. She advises that when you are faced with a situation—for example, you ask your child to do something and she flat out refuses—you only have to say, “That’s okay, I’ll remember the next time you ask for . . . [fill in the blank].” In my family, we use the expression “the gimmes,” as in, “We won’t get the gimmes when we go to Target.”

This approach works beautifully, but you have to remember to follow through! You also have to remember to be very matter-of-fact when you are doing this.

Food. I strongly believe in not using food to control behavior, so strongly that I don’t ever do it. Of course your kids must eat their dinner, but don’t ever make getting a yummy dessert the reward for good behavior.

Adoption Transitions. Many families I have worked with have made the transition to adoption, just as my family has. Many of those families have endured the appeals process, just as my family is doing.

I wish I could say that in the past I offered comfort to those experiencing this process. However, the assurance that “DSS will take care of this” is not comforting. Really what I have had to learn is that there are no magic words that will get you through or make it easier.

I continue to be awed by the grace with which many foster families endure the loss of children they have cared for, children they expected to adopt but whose plans were changed.

Foster Parent Training. When I first began MAPP training, and it was a LONG time ago (I was in the first training in 1986), I would tell families that “this will prepare you to be a foster parent.” Families would always tell me that while the class was helpful, meeting and talking to foster parents gave them a better picture of what foster parenting was really like. In the past two years I’ve asked all of the parents to help me with MAPP classes. They have graciously volunteered, and their real-life experiences have made a difference in how prepared new families are.

Listening to Kids. I’ve learned that it can be better to listen and not try so hard.

I used to always tell foster parents that their children needed to hear positive words about their birth parents. I have tried really hard to bring up positive past experiences for my kids, but I have learned that saying something nice about birth parents is not always possible. Sometimes it’s better to continue to be a good listener and not say anything.

Cultural Sensitivity. I used to preach, “Always be sensitive to your child’s cultural issues.” I’ve learned how difficult this can be, particularly if your child has been so victimized that she negates everything about her identity. Now I advise families, “Take your cues from your child, listen with an open heart.”

My daughter is quick to put down everything about her culture. I always try to temper her comments. When she says, “The women in my family are too stupid to drive (or go to school, get a job, be safe—the list goes on)” I listen and hope I make the appropriate comment.

Therapy. Now this is a big one. I’ve got to say I may have encouraged families to be active in their kids’ therapy before, but now I stress that in my family, it’s right up there with church attendance. It may look like they are only playing, but it’s a process, it takes time.

It is important for your child to go to therapy especially when he complains that it’s boring, not fun, not necessary. Complaints that therapy is useless often mean that something is really happening. Therapy for the child is also for us as the foster parent. There have been times when I needed the therapist as much, if not more, than my children did.

Attachment. I still get creepy feelings when I hear a GAL or social worker express concerns that a child is getting too attached to a foster family, or that a family is too attached to a child. Foster care is not a normal or natural situation. We’re fortunate when a child can feel safe enough to attach and care for the family he or she is living with.
People have told me any number of times that my children are lucky. Maybe they are, but I always think, if they had been really lucky, they would never have entered foster care.

The paradox of this is that their loss has become our gain. Loving them as we do, I can honestly say I would never have wished those early experiences for them, regardless of the joy they have brought into our lives.

Elizabeth Cassedy is a licensing social worker for Chatham County DSS. She and her husband are also foster and adoptive parents.

Copyright � 2005 Jordan Institute for Families