Vol. 10, No. 2 • May 2006

Reading About the Hard Stuff: Child Sex Abuse

Sometimes I like to think that there isn’t anything left to learn about kids and their mistreatment. After 22 years as a foster parent and nine years as a Guardian ad Litem, surely I should have heard about it all! But, just as raising one or more children to successful adulthood holds no guarantee of further parenting success, knowing something is not knowing or understanding everything.

I am going to recommend a small but powerful book for survivors of sexual abuse. The book is The Me Nobody Knows: A Guide for Teen Survivors by Barbara Bean and Shari Bennett. (Caution: there are currently at least three books in print whose titles begin with “The Me Nobody Knows.” Don’t drop into your favorite bookstore without the title and the authors’ names.)

The statistics for sexual abuse are unbelievable: one in four females and one in seven males are sexually abused before they turn 18.* The impact on foster parents is huge. Many (if not most) teens entering our homes are reacting to some kind of trauma. This brief book (155 pages) contains a powerful message of hope coupled with a strong dose of reality.

While the book is designed as a workbook for teens to use in conjunction with therapy, I learned much from reading it. I know teens that have been sexually abused, but have not yet begun to effectively process that experience. I also know teens that I only suspect have been sexually abused. This book helped me understand some of the “off the wall” responses/reactions that some of my teens have exhibited. Perhaps the most important thing I re-learned is that when teens have a WWIII-level reaction to something, parents should try to reframe the situation so teens can tell us what they are reacting to, and why.

I am a first-page-to-last-page reader and probably always will be. However, the final section of The Me Nobody Knows is designed to be cut out of the book and shared with parents if the victim thinks they would be helpful. I think that for foster parents the end of this book would be an excellent starting point.

This book is carefully written to establish in the young person’s mind that although they were the victim of sexual abuse, they now have power. They are survivors. The behaviors they used to survive worked. Now they need to learn to thrive. The authors are very clear that recovery is a journey. Shari Bennett frequently quotes young survivors, which helps make the therapy process real. I am glad to have this book on my bookshelf.

I also highly recommend Represent: The Voices of Youth in Care, a periodical written by youth who are or have been in care. Represent is a real conversation starter at our house. All I do is leave the newest issue open to an article and set it on the kitchen counter—the counter where all snacks originate! Without fail the teens sharing our home ask me, “You reading this?” When I say, “Yes, why?” They have all responded with something to the effect that the article has gotten it right and captured their own experience with the system. Check out Represent at <www.youthcomm.org>. Perhaps your licensing agency would order a subscription ($18 a year for 6 issues). It would be money well spent for anyone working with teens.

Give me a call or send me an e-mail (919/870-9968; [email protected]) to let me know what you think I should be reading and writing about. Don’t forget: each day you have the opportunity to make a difference!

* Note the discrepancy between these figures and those on page 1. Studies vary widely when reporting the incidence of sexual abuse because of the different methods used to count and to estimate the number of cases. For an explanation of the difficulty estimating the incidence of child sex abuse, go to <http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/factsheet/pdf/CSA-FS20.pdf>.

Copyright � 2006 Jordan Institute for Families