Vol. 11, No. 1• November 2006

Coming Full Circle in My Lifetime

by Co-Wefa Lyda

My name is Co-Wefa Lyda. I am a wife and mother of five boys between the ages 4 and 35. I am also a grandmother of four, a sister, an aunt, and a friend.

I am also a child of North Carolina’s child welfare system.

People always ask me, what do you remember from when you were little? Actually I remember a lot. I remember being left for days at a time with my two little brothers who were one and two years old at the time. I was only about four years old at the time.

Our closest neighbor was 10 miles away, so I took care of us the best I knew how. I remember keeping a fire going in the wood cook stove so I could heat my brothers’ bottles. I don’t remember how I managed. I just remember doing it.

When my parents did come home they were drinking and hurting each other, so I would hide my brothers and myself under the bed or in the closet—any place I could find so we would not be hurt.

Then one day my aunt and uncle came and found us. My youngest brother and I went to live with my grandparents and my middle brother went to live with our other grandmother. The next thing I really remember is going to the courthouse with my grandmother. The judge said we were going to a new home.

I also remember my mother was standing at the back of the room when we turned to go. I do not think she spoke to us as we left.

As we went back to my grandparents’ home my grandmother told us we would be going to a new home with lots of boys and girls to play with and we would have everything we needed. She packed the few things we had and we were on our way to Eliada Home for Children, which at that time was an orphanage.

When we got to Eliada everything seemed so huge to me. As the house parents took us to our dorms I was still holding my brother. At that time I was four and he was two. I can still picture it. As they take him away from me he is trying to hold on with all he has. He’s screaming, “Mommy! Mommy!”

I was only four but I had already become the mother in our family. I was his mama.

I don’t really remember the first few years at Eliada. It was our home and we were expected to act like it was, so we did. I saw my brother at meals and at church. Our grandmothers and brother came to see us some Sundays. There were no social workers or therapists there at that time. I was never told why I was there or what happened to my parents. I still have unanswered questions.

At Eliada I was a good child who coped by trying to take care of the little ones as if I was the mother. Many years have passed and I still have not lost that today!

Still, I did not talk very much. It was just easier to stay quiet. If you did not talk you were seen as a good child. You were not expected to let anyone know how you felt. You did not express the fear and feeling of being lost. I did all that was expected of me and did well. But I also grew up lonely, sad, and with very little self-esteem.

I do remember Eliada’s farm and the animals. How I loved the horses! They listened when I talked and loved me no matter how I was. That love has followed me through my life and it is no surprise that we have six horses at our house today. There is nothing like cleaning a barn out when you are depressed or feeling sorry for yourself.

One of the other things I remember well from Eliada is birthdays. On your birthday you got to choose a cake color and flavor and what you wanted on it. It was the only time in your life you did not have to share. But of course we did share. Oh, how small the pieces are when you have 125 brothers and sisters! As you might imagine, birthdays are very important at our house now.

I graduated from high school and married way too young. I soon found myself divorced with two children of my own and a third we had adopted. I was not a good mother back then, but I had an ex-husband who was a good father. While I grew up, he took care of the boys.

Eventually our youngest son came to live with me. When that happened I realized that if I did not grow up I would be just like my mother and not care for my child. So I recalled the lessons I had learned at Eliada and pulled myself up by my bootstraps. I took care of my son while my other two boys stayed with their dad.

I also know what it’s like to lose a child. When he was 12, one of my sons was riding his bicycle and was hit by a car driven by a 17-year-old. He lived for two and a half days after the accident.

Life can be hard, but as I say now, “I was not born this way; life made me this way.”

But there have been many bright spots in my life, too. Twenty years ago I met a wonderful man and we have been together ever since. I have had jobs I loved, watched my other sons grow up, marry, and have my grandchildren.

It has been a full life, but there was always a part of me that was looking for something. Then in November 2001 my husband and I got a call from our local DSS inviting us to come to a meeting. Friends of ours needed us to take their eight-week-old little boy home with us because they could not take care of him. We became foster parents at Eliada Home—the same place I grew up!

I never dreamed I would become a parent again at age 53. Or that I would finally find the calling I had been hunting for my whole life. But I have, and now I teach and take part in as many child welfare issues as I can.

I am on the board of NC Foster and Adoptive Parent Association (NCFAPA). When I gave a keynote address at the NCFAPA’s 2006 conference I knew it was time to tell my story for all the children in the system who need to be heard and given a chance to have a happy childhood. As I got ready to give my speech I realized I had come full circle in my lifetime.

How many of us are blessed to feel that way at age 55?

I am an active member of the Board of Eliada Home for Children, Chairperson of the Eliada Alumni Association, member and vice-chairperson of the Buncombe County Children’s Collaborative, and chairperson of the System of Care training in Buncombe County. I am a certified MAPP/GPS facilitator, train families and agency staff in shared parenting, and teach first aid and CPR. I also home school a 5-year-old.
In the book I am writing, “Coming Full Circle in My Lifetime,” my dedication will be to all the children who have been, are, and will be in the child welfare system.

“I was not born this way; life made me this way.” This is how I look at my life. There are not enough hours in a day to help the children in North Carolina’s child welfare system.

As one of those children myself I never thought I would be given the chance to stand up and speak for children, or to teach birth parents, kinship parents, foster parents, and adoptive parents. How blessed I am!

Contact Ms. Lyda for training or speaking engagements at 828/684-6011 or [email protected].

Copyright � 2006 Jordan Institute for Families