Vol. 11, No. 2 • May 2007

Our Consumer Society Can Make Adoption a Challenge

by Beverley Smith

In today’s society, the word adoption is used in many ways. You can adopt a highway, a law, a pet, and even a star in the sky. But do any of these require the same level of commitment as adopting a child?

The Consumer Mentality
In the U.S. today the act of adopting a child is sometimes unduly influenced by consumerism, which can be defined as the compulsive acquisition of goods or services for direct ownership.

Individuals with a consumer mentality have high expectations for their self-interests and are always seeking the product or service that will result in ultimate happiness. This mentality is an unconscious filter that often prevents people from assessing their true need for a purchase or the consequences of acquiring the service or product. Sadly, the realm of adoption is not immune to this way of thinking.

Influence on Adoption of Children
The adoption of a child creates or expands a family by transferring the rights and responsibilities of parenting from the birth parent/agency to a new set of parents. Adoption is a permanent, lifelong commitment, and the benefits of adoption are shared between the adoptive family and the adoptive child. The best interest and needs of the child have to be considered and met to make an adoption a success.

When considering adoption, families must conduct a great deal of self-analysis, which is guided by training and their adoption social worker. Agencies that facilitate adoptions look first and foremost for selflessness in prospective adoptive families.

Unfortunately, our consumer culture can skew an individual’s expectations about children in foster care and the adoption process. Families sometimes believe (consciously or unconsciously) they deserve a perfect child because of the time, resources, and energy they put into the adoption process. This can be a recipe for disaster: inevitably, the real needs and best interests of the adopted child interferes with the personal gratification sought by the family. Unlike clothes or material goods, children cannot be returned when they fail to meet your personal needs or expectations.

Consumerism may be at work when individuals approach adoption as a means to give a birth child a sibling, to save their marriage, or to fill a void in their lives. Personal gratification may even be at work when people adopt with the seemingly altruistic goal of “saving a child.” This intention will only lead to disappointment for a family if (or when) the child fails to show adequate appreciation for the sacrifices the parents have made.

Families need to realize that love is not enough to sustain an adoption. When families approach adoption with selfish motivations, the risk of disruption or dissolution increases.

The Commitment Mentality
To make adoption work, families must approach it with realism and a commitment mentality. Children in foster care tend to have more special needs than children in the general population. These needs won’t disappear when a child is adopted.

A family’s commitment to the adopted child must be unwavering. A family must have a firm resolve to raise a child no matter how difficult things become. Successful adoptive parents have the ability to delay the gratification of their own needs and instead focus on the needs of the child. Children in adoptive homes will test this commitment repeatedly. Fantasy children do not exist.

Agencies should ensure that the expectations of prospective adoptive families are thoroughly assessed. Agencies should also assess their own recruitment methods to ensure they are not using strategies that promote a consumer mentality in prospective adoptive families.

Families don’t have to be perfect to be the perfect family for a child. Experienced foster parents often make excellent adoptive parents because they know children in foster care, understand their needs, and are better able to see the children for what they are: imperfect, like the rest of us. They are also likely to see the adoption process for what it is: a priceless gift of ongoing commitment that families give to children—not a commercial exchange.

Conclusion
Families and child welfare agencies must pay attention to the way consumerism is impacting adoption within our society. Families cannot withdraw their commitment from a child in search for a “better” child. An interested family must ask themselves if adoption is the right choice for them and whether they are the right family to be adopting. A family should consider the life-style commitments needed and their personal motivations for wanting to adopt. Adoption should always be approached with a commitment mentality.

Beverley Smith is the Director of NC Kids Adoption & Foster Care Network (1-877-NCKIDS-1, www.adoptnckids.org). This article is adapted from: Del Pilar, R. T. “Undermining Successful Adoption: The Con$umer’s Point of View,” 32nd Annual North American Council on Adoptable Children. Hyatt Convention Center. Long Beach, CA. 28 July 2006.

Copyright � 2007 Jordan Institute for Families