Vol. 2, No. 1 • Fall 1997

How Do You Manage the Holidays?
by Karen LaShaw

Question: Thanksgiving and Christmas are approaching quickly. What can I do to help my foster children enjoy these special holidays?

Response: The holidays present interesting challenges for every family. Generally, the best advice I can give is to minimize holiday stress, manage expectations, and maintain your "normal" schedule as much as possible. Don't attempt to make the holidays "perfect." The holidays are often a time of heightened emotions, both positive and negative, for parents and foster children. It is a time to be especially understanding (and supportive) of your child's emotional needs.

Reducing Stress. To reduce stresses, don't plan holiday events you would not normally plan. As much as possible, keep to your child's regular schedule--meals and bedtime should occur at (or near) the normal time. If you know ahead of time that daily schedules are going to be interrupted, talk with your child about upcoming changes. For example, let the child know what the schedule is going to be for visiting with relatives or parents.

Kids sometimes have trouble keeping themselves busy during the holiday break from school. Making holiday gifts and decorations is one thing they can do with their extra time. I fell that presents made or baked by the giver are special --there is more personal feeling and emotion wrapped up with the gift.

If you plan to spend the holidays away from home, talk with your foster child's social worker as far in advance as possible. Because of my husband's work, our entire family spent Christmas in Florida one year. With good planning and the assistance and support of Social Services, we were able to spend the holidays with our foster children.

Gifts. Don't go overboard with a big tree and lots of presents. Emphasize the true meaning of Christmas, not the commercial side. We make it a family time and emphasize the joys of giving and sharing. Managing a child's Santa expectations, however, is a challenging task for any parent. If you are having special difficulty with a child's expectations, talk to your social worker.

While all counties are different, "Santa gifts" for most foster children are provided by local charities. Charities normally ask you to provide a wish list for each foster child. You can do this easily by helping children write a card of letter to Santa as early as possible--this will also give them something "special" to do during the holidays.

Even when Santa is assisted by local charities, not all children get what they want for Christmas. While Santa often can provide the toy or toys they ask for, remember what foster children want most is to be home with their birth parents.

Mixed Feelings. Children normally have a lot of mixed feelings about the holidays. On the one hand, they know it is supposed to be a happy time. They look forward to Santa coming, yet they may be very sad. Christmas is often a time when children can feel their losses intensely. Most want to be with their birth parents, and it is very hard for them to understand why they cannot be home for Christmas.

Recognize your child's feelings of sadness. Give them permission and room to be sad. Let your child know it is OK to be unhappy. While your foster children will likely share a Christmas celebration with their birth family at some point during the holiday season, in most cases they will spend Christmas day with you. Present this in a positive way--for example, point out that they get to have two Christmases, not just one. Show how much you care, but don't go overboard trying to make up for all the "bad" Christmases your foster child may have experienced.

Karon Lashaw and her family have been a foster family for more than four years. They currently have two foster children.

Copyright � 2000 Jordan Institute for Families