Vol. 3, No. 1 • Fall 1998

Foster Parent Groups and
"Getting Along"
by Gordon Evans

One of the National Foster Parent Association�s principal
goals is to help foster families in every way possible. After 20 years in foster care, I am convinced that foster parents ALL urgently need a local association to be involved in, to add to the joys of their experience.

Ours is an emotional calling. Foster parents are constantly pressured to keep their feelings and emotions to themselves (who can you safely share them with?). That pressure comes from the agency, its workers, and even the community�we can�t really open up to them. And keeping those emotions under wraps, too intense to reveal perhaps, they may sneak out when we meet with our fellow foster parents. The �veneer� comes off and sometimes that inner rage we feel over life�s tragic treatment of kids, the frustrations of not being able to provide them all the resources they need, comes out. It is directed at each other, sometimes called Scapegoating. In the process of that �unloading,� we may end up fighting those who are our natural allies in the shared goal of improving the lives of children who have lost their homes.

One word that comes to mind in the foster care system�with social workers, agencies, and even at times with the leaders of our organizations, is POWER. It�s a word that should have no place in this program, but it�s there. Some foster parents write me that this is a constant reality�the power struggle. It�s a shame that it has to exist, as it can only result in a deteriorating relationship, and in the case of an organization, an ineffective one. I have seen it happen all too often.

I hope you�ll keep in mind that the only enemies we can afford are the problems of the children we serve. We cannot afford, for example, to see the department as our enemy, as they must eventually become our partners in providing for the children. Most of all, if we allow rancor, nastiness, pettiness, dictatorial leaders, or attacks on one another to exist, we are turning our backs on an opportunity to achieve the goals for which our association was formed.

Foster parents are loaded with love, and there is absolutely no limit to that supply within them, to be offered to 10 or 30 or 100 children over the years that we foster. Foster parents come equipped with vast amounts of energy . . . but that ingredient is in a finite or limited supply. It must not be wasted by being misdirected in negative words or actions, but it must be focused on a kind and considerate coalition, democratically directed towards giving your community�s (or state�s) mistreated kids a real second chance at happiness.

Gordon Evans is editor emeritus of The National Advocate, the newsletter of the National Foster Parent Association. Reprinted with permission.

Copyright � 2000 Jordan Institute for Families