Vol. 6, No. 1• November 2001

Connecting with birth parents
by Becky Burmester

As foster parents we can help the children in our care by working to develop a relationship with their birth parents. We do not have to approve of the things birth parents have done or even of the things they are doing (or not doing) to regain custody of their children. We do need to have some interaction with the parents for the sake of the children.

Foster care placement is not unlike a divorce with contested child custody. As foster parents we could follow some of the same guidelines suggested to divorcing parents. We cause the children further hurt when we put them in the middle.

If we put the children first, the transition will be much smoother for them. If we realize that the birth parents will always be the birth parents, even in situations where their rights are ultimately terminated, children will not be forced to choose to love one set of parents more than the other. If we can accept that no parent sets out to deliberately cause a child harm, but rather parents as he or she was parented, then we do not have to judge the birth parent.

Photographs Can Help

My husband and I have found that giving pictures of the child to the parents with no strings attached has opened the door to building our relationship with birth parents. Asking birth parents for pictures of themselves with the child can also help. Such a request says that you are not threatened to be sharing the parenting responsibility with them.

If you are able to be present at the beginning or end of a visit, you could ask permission to photograph the family. Be certain to take a couple pictures of each pose. Then get double prints made so that both the child and the parents will have their own copies. Take pictures of the children individually and as a group. The parents and child will treasure this evidence of connectedness. In the case of a sibling group, each child’s picture taken alone with the parents is also a treasure for both child and parent.

If you have no relationship with the parents, pictures are a great place to start. If necessary, send a camera with the social worker and get the first pictures that way. When you send pictures to the parents, include a brief note listing the things the child has been doing since the last visit. This lets child and parent know that this is a team effort. Small, inexpensive photo albums keep pictures from getting dog-eared and allow parents and child to share with others. Knowing their child has family pictures in his or her backpack can be a powerful motivator for the parents, and it says to children that the foster family accepts them and their family.

A storybook to help children understand foster care

by Becky Burmester

Ever wondered how to explain foster care to a child? I wish that when we began fostering sixteen years ago, we had Buttons the Foster Bunny. I am certain our son Matthew and his sister Leslie , who were ages three and nine at the time, would have loved this delightful book written by Teddi Grover Schnurr and illustrated by Diane Iverson. Their questions about foster care would have been answered, and interesting family discussions would have surely followed.

Children and adults who care for children will find it easy to see themselves in the characters of Buttons the Foster Bunny. Buttons, as the title suggests, is a young rabbit. His foster family, which is composed of Mama, Papa, and siblings Rosie and Corky, are squirrels. Misty, also a foster child in the home, is a skunk. Iverson’s illustrations are truly beautiful, and lend themselves to additional discussions beyond the story’s narrative. This is a book that could be read over and over again.

In a non-threatening and non-judgmental way, Schnurr helps foster children see themselves in the foster home setting and helps foster families recognize what it is like to be a foster child. For example, as the six members of the family eat dinner and the conversation centers on acorn stew and getting used to strange/new foods, I found myself thinking of some of my own cross-cultural dining experiences.

Throughout this story, Mama and Papa Squirrel are portrayed as loving, caring, and supportive. They eagerly await Buttons’ arrival, and do all that is in their power to make him feel at home. They also make it clear that they understand Buttons enjoys visiting with his parents and hope he will come to like both of his homes, telling him “No matter what happens, we will love you and take care of you.”

Isn’t that what we want our foster children to know? Pay close attention to the dedications at the front of the book. My goal is to play a role similar to the one played by the illustrator’s foster mother in the life of at least one foster child.

This soft cover book is available at $8.95 plus $1 shipping and handling from Teddi Grover Schnurr, P.O. Box 18552, Tucson, AZ 85731-8552. The author may be reached by phone at 520/620-6015. Encourage your child’s social worker to purchase this book for foster children ages 4-10.
Comments about this review as well as suggestions for future reviews are greatly appreciated. My e-mail address is <[email protected]> and my mailing address is 625 Down Patrick Lane, Raleigh, NC 27615.

Becky Burmester is a foster parent and a member of the North Carolina Foster Parent Association.

Foster Care Facts
Five states—California, Illinois, Michigan, New York, and Texas—serve nearly half of the United States’ 520,000 foster children.
Between 1983 and 1993, the number of children in care increased 67 percent in Michigan, 120 percent in New York, 123 percent in Texas, 154 percent in California, and 158 percent in Illinois.

Source: An Update from the Multistate Foster Care Data Archive: Foster Care Dynamics 1983–1993; Chapin Hall Center for Children, 1995.

 

Copyright � 2001 Jordan Institute for Families