Vol. 7, No. 2• May 2003

SaySo Members’ Suggestions to Foster Parents

by Kay Gillis

On Sunday, October 6, 2002, foster parents Becky Burmester and Kay Gillis joined over 50 young people involved in the group SaySo (Strong Able Youth Speaking Out) to develop a list of things that the youth want to make clear to the people they live and interact with. The workshop attendees were vocal, refreshing, and full of great ideas. Here are some of the many ideas, opinions, and desires the young people shared that day:

• Parent us! Treat us like family members. Don’t expect the social worker to be our parent. Would you call a cab for your birth child if he or she had a doctor’s appointment? Then why call the social worker to take me to my appointments?
  
  
• Don’t embarrass us by pointing out our situation. Why introduce us as “My foster child?” Why not just say, “This is Peggy Sue,” and leave it at that?
  
  
• We are individuals, not a group. Don’t label us. Don’t judge me by what another foster child has done. Don’t think that we all feel the same or think the same. Each of us has and is entitled to our own feelings.
  
  
• Is it about the money? IT CAN’T BE! We need people to care about us, not just people doing a “job.” The money you get is to provide for our needs, not to “pay” you. We know we eat a lot. If the money you get isn’t enough to feed us, do something about it. When we get a job, don’t skimp on us. We are trying to get ahead. When we get a job and then you say we now have to buy our own shampoo and deodorant, we figure, “Why try?”
  
  
• Ask us what we need to help us feel like we belong. Ask our opinion on things. Just because we don’t have a permanent home doesn’t mean we don’t have opinions, feelings, or brains! Don’t talk to the social worker about us as if we weren’t even there!
  
  
• Help us stay connected and in touch with our birth family and our previous foster families. Those people helped make me what I am. If I feel that I need those connections, then I do. If I don’t want to see them, respect that.
  
  
• Advocate for more, better-trained social workers. When a social worker has 30 other kids on his or her caseload, no wonder they can’t remember my name when we run into each other outside the office or the foster home. No wonder they don’t come check on me. I am just their job. You are my parent for now. If they don’t come to see me, you call them and ask why not. We want the social worker to come see us when things are going good, not just when there is a problem.
  
  
• If you have a teenager with children, help us with transitions. We want to figure out how to raise our kids. We didn’t learn that from our parents. We hope we learn it from you.
  
  
• Talk to us, trust us, be honest with us. Compromise with us—we aren’t always wrong, you know! We want to be accepted. Give us unconditional acceptance. We want continuity. We don’t want you or the social worker to move us every time there is a problem. Share information about what’s going on in the system concerning us!
  
  
• Don’t give up on us when there is trouble. Try to figure out what we need.
  
  
• Teach us, don’t just do for us! None of us are born knowing how to live life. Most kids’ parents teach them. We need to learn!
  

As you can see, these young people had a lot to say!

Next, we discussed how to get some of these things to happen. All of us agreed that it would really take a TEAM EFFORT! The team has to include foster youth as well as social workers, birth families, foster parents, guardians ad litem, and teachers. We need to network with each other. We need to get the word out via newsletters. We need to include youth panels in our training conferences, and the youth need to include us in their conferences. We need to consider a joint conference for youth, foster parents, and social workers. We need to get foster parents and SaySo youth involved in MAPP training.

We learn in MAPP that we all have strengths and needs. The youth in our workshop listed many needs. The N.C. Foster Parents Association (NCFPA) knows that there are many foster parents and social workers reading this right now who have strengths that would help to meet those needs.

If you have the time, we have ways that you can help! Join the NCFPA. Get involved. Check our website (NCFPA.org) and contact a board member to offer your services.

All of us joining hands will build a strong connection.

Kay Gillis is a foster parent and chairperson of the N.C. Foster Parents Association’s Communications Committee

 

Copyright � 2003 Jordan Institute for Families