Vol. 8, No. 2• May 2004
Parents: Don't Make Food a Battle
by Elizabeth Cassedy
It is common for parents of all kinds—birth, foster, adoptive, and kin—to use food as a reinforcer for positive behavior (“Eat your dinner so you can have dessert”) and as a means of control (“stop fighting or you won’t get ice cream”). I know my parents did. Yours may have, too.
Yet in my years as a social worker, I have come to question this use of food. I have talked with foster parents about the fact that:
- Many kids in foster care have been neglected. Some of these have been food-deprived. When these kids enter your family they worry a lot about where their next meal is coming from. Many repeatedly ask, “What will we eat tonight?” until they believe that dinner will be there for them every night.
- Our culture is obsessed with food. One consequence of this is that many people—both inside and outside of foster care—struggle with weight problems, eating disorders, and dubious connections between food and being “good.”
In our discussions I would ask foster parents: What does it mean to use a sweet dessert as a reward for good behavior? What if a child thinks, “I was good when I was with my mom and food was very unpredictable.” What if a child who has been sexually victimized was always given candy or ice cream for being “good”?
In the end, I tried to persuade foster parents to use other methods to discipline and control their children. Some agreed with me, some did not.
Last year, after my husband and I became foster parents, we decided to practice what I had been preaching.
We began by clearly saying to ourselves and our children: “Food is not going to be a battle!” Then we laid down the rules: the kids could eat pretty much what they liked, when they liked. There would be no conditions placed on sweets and desserts, other than that they could have no more than two.
During the past year we never said, “Eat all the food on your plate or you won’t get dessert.” We did say, “Try this.” For the most part, our kids ate what we cooked. When they didn’t, we offered cereal. We made sure they had healthy options for snacks.
And yes, they still got dessert. We make cookies, we eat ice cream, and there is always as much fruit as you want to eat.
When they heard what we were doing some people were concerned that, with unrestricted access to food, our two foster children would gain weight, but they haven’t. They both grew in height, and their weight curve remained the same.
Discipline was not a problem because we made the rules and boundaries really clear. Instead of using food as a consequence, we’d take away TV and computer time in a heartbeat.
So here we are, one year later. In my role as a social worker, I still try to persuade foster parents not to use food as a means of discipline. Some agree with me, some do not.
In my home, though, food is no longer a battle. Yes, we still have our struggles—abandoning the use of food as a means of discipline is not an instant fix. Still, I have some hope that our efforts have reduced the “power of food” so that—maybe—our children will have a greater chance of living healthier, happier lives.
Elizabeth Cassedy is a licensing social worker for Chatham County DSS. She and her husband are also foster parents for Orange County, North Carolina.
- In North Carolina, 13.5% of children ages 2–4 and 21.1% of children ages 5–11 are overweight
- These numbers represent a 35% increase in overweight children in just five years!
- Obesity increases children’s risk of heart disease, sleep apnea, joint problems, depression, and Type II diabetes
- It is estimated that obesity cost North Carolina $2.14 billion in 2003
Source: NC Child Health Report Card 2003. www.ncchild.org/health.htm
Copyright � 2004 Jordan Institute for Families
