Vol. 12, No. 1• November 2007

A reader asks . . .

If you have a question about foster care or adoption in North Carolina, please e-mail [email protected]. We’ll do our best to respond to your question either in a direct reply or in a future issue of this newsletter.

Question: I am adopting an 11-year-old girl from foster care. While in care she has had sporadic contact with her maternal grandmother, who used to be her primary caretaker. Should I consider maintaining contact with this woman following the adoption?

Children adopted from foster care can face an assortment of complex feelings as they transition into their permanent home. In particular, children may feel overwhelmed with conflicting feelings of loyalty. On the one hand, children may desire a permanent family who can love and care for them, but this desire may also come with guilt, since it excludes the birth family. Children in foster care also have difficulty making the transition to adoption because they continue to worry about the welfare of their birth families.

Promoting an ongoing relationship with her grandmother may help your child resolve or reduce issues of loss, grief, and abandonment. This contact will allow your daughter to maintain an important attachment and relationship. Through this relationship, your daughter may be better able to develop and maintain positive relationships and trust with others in her life. Depending on the situation, the grandmother can also help the child make the transition to adoption if the grandmother supports the placement. This support can help the child overcome the feelings of disloyalty and promote continuity. The maternal grandmother can also add to the circle of support in your daughter’s life.

Contact with her family of origin can also help your child develop her identity. When children do not have information about their birth family, they often create a fantasy family. Although the reality of the child’s background and birth family may be painful and difficult to accept, it is better to resolve the child’s losses with truth than with fantasy. Birth family contact can help the child accept that the birth family could not adequately meet the child’s needs, which can help her accept adoption.

This birth family connection can also give your child exposure to her racial and ethnic heritage. The connection to the grandmother may allow your child access to her history, which is not always available for children in foster care. This history can include the child’s physical and mental health, as well as information on the birth parents. This information is invaluable and will help you meet the child’s needs.

If you wish to explore this connection, you will need to assess parameters such as frequency and type of contact. Contact can include letters, e-mail, phone calls, or personal visits. You will also need to consider whether supervision of contact is needed and how to help your child should she act out as a result of the contact. Your child should not be forced into visiting with her grandmother, and contact should not be encouraged if it turns negative. If age-appropriate, talk with your child about these visits. Specifically, these talks should center around helping your child prepare for those uncomfortable situations or questions that may arise when interacting with her grandmother. As with any situation, it is also important to help your child come up with a safety plan. A key element to maintaining contact with the grandmother is her ability to accept a changed role in the child’s life.

Ultimately, maintaining birth family contact should be focused on providing for the needs of the child and the child’s best interests. This connection can help your daughter with the development of her identity through accepting the realities of her past. This healing may allow her to forge new, healthy attachments in her life.

Response by Beverley Smith, Director, NC Kids Adoption & Foster Care Network.

Copyright � 2007 Jordan Institute for Families