Vol. 12, No. 2 • June 2008

Successful Foster Parenting Can Require New Approaches

When they became foster parents Jim and his wife, Stella, were full of passion and confidence. Raising their children hadn’t always been easy, but the kids were all grown and living successfully on their own. They felt sure their experience and their open hearts would allow them to provide an excellent home for teens in foster care.

Now they have doubts. The 14-year-old in their home, DJ, is giving them trouble. No matter what the issue—school, house rules, behavior—nothing they do seems to work. Everything becomes a power struggle.

Jim and Stella feel as if, overnight, all they know about getting kids to listen and cooperate has simply evaporated.

A Common Problem
Jim and Stella face a common problem. Many foster parents tell children, “I’m going to treat you just like I treated my own children. What I expected of them, I’ll expect of you.”

In some ways this is a good message because it says “I will treat you fairly, as one of my own, not as a foster child.” In practical terms, however, this approach doesn’t always work.

Why? Because the behavior of some children in foster care has been shaped over time—by inconsistent parenting, abuse, neglect, multiple previous placements, and other factors—to the point where “typical” parenting techniques will not work.

Kids in foster care often require more structured parenting interventions to address negative behaviors and increase positive, pro-social behaviors. These interventions are seldom in the average parent’s repertoire. To succeed, foster parents must learn them.

“Back to School”
If you are a foster parent we hope that this is a message you have heard in the pre-service training you received before you were licensed, in conversations with your agency, and through your contact with other foster parents.

If you face challenges in managing the behavior of children in your home, your first step should be to contact your agency for support. Asking for help is a sign of strength!

Also, there are many resources out there about parenting children with difficult behavior. Two we recommend are:

• Off Road Parenting: Practical Solutions for Difficult Behavior by Pacifici, Chamberlain, & White (2002, Northwest Media Inc.)
  
• Foster Parent College, which offers a variety of affordable online courses related to behavior management and parenting strategies <www.fosterparentcollege.com>

If, like Jim and Stella, you are having a particularly hard time with power struggles, you may also find the next article helpful.

Copyright � 2008 Jordan Institute for Families