Vol. 17, No. 1 • November 2012

'You're Still Our Mother'
My sons' adoptive parents helped us have a relationship.

By Anonymous

When I was a young mom, I felt lost. I never wanted my children to feel unloved, like I did when I was a child. But I couldn't take care of them with nothing inside. When my oldest son was eight, I became addicted to PCP and then crack. Eventually, my rights to my seven sons were terminated.

My solace was that I knew my boys were in good hands. Six of my boys were with foster mothers who treated me with kindness and loved my sons. The foster mothers told me, "Whatever happens, you're still their mother. As long as you're not high, you can visit."

'Thank God'
Two years later, I went to treatment. I began talking about my addiction and losing my children. My groups helped me with my pain. By then, I did not know what to say to my children. My counselor said, "What do you want to tell them?"

"I want to say I love you," I said. He told me, "Go make your call."

First I called Ms. Perez, who had adopted my younger sons. When I said hello, she said, "Thank God."

"Is everything OK?" I asked. "Are you OK?" she asked, and I said yes.

Then she put the boys on the phone. I told them that I loved them and that I would ask if they could come see me.

Next I called Ms. Smith, who adopted my two oldest. She said, "I knew it would happen one day."

A Wonderful Visit
On Sunday, Ms. Perez came through the door with my six children. They'd brought me cards that they'd made and some roses. I cried so much that my oldest son, Kevin, said, "Look at you, you're wetting up your clothes. Why are you crying like that, Mommy? You are still our mother and it's going to be all right."

That was wonderful to hear. I knew that was what the foster mothers had taught them. I hugged Ms. Perez and said, "I love you very much."

After that, I had two visits with my children at my program and then I was able to visit my children at their homes. The circle was coming together again.

Coming Clean
The only dark spot in the circle was my third son James. James had been placed by himself with a foster parent who told him that I did not love him.

When James was 10, he said terrible things to me on the phone: that he was better than me and he did not want me in his life. Then he hung up and never talked to me again.

Amazingly, my other children did not know that I used drugs. Ms. Perez and Ms. Smith said that I was sick. They said that it was up to me to tell my children the truth.

After my treatment, I told my boys about my addiction. "I could not take care of my family, but I always loved you," I said. "Please never make the mistakes I did. You have people in your life who love you and will help you through anything."

Rebuilding a Family
After I got clean, I had two more children, who are now teenagers. It felt good to take care of my two children and not have child welfare in my life. But my youngest children know their brothers. We see my sons come on Mother's Day and holidays.

I am so happy to have my sons in my life. I am only sad that James still won't speak to me. I pray and I'm hopeful that one day we will all be together again.

Reprinted with permission from Rise, a magazine written by and for parents affected by the child welfare system: www.risemagazine.org

~ Family and Children's Resource Program, UNC-CH School of Social Work ~