Vol. 17, No. 2 • May 2013

Promoting Child Well-Being by Engaging Fathers

Having their fathers involved in their lives can have a tremendous, positive impact on children's well-being. Research shows that kids whose dads are involved have:

• Better cognitive and intellectual development
• Higher self-esteem
• Better social competence
• Fewer signs of depression
• Deeper and better friendships, and
• Better self-control and emotional management.

Studies suggest that children with involved fathers have fewer behavior problems and are less likely to be delinquent or engage in criminal activity. Research has also shown that children of engaged fathers are less likely to be economically disadvantaged when they grow up (sources cited in Grayson, 2011).

Children in Foster Care
Even as we are learning about the big difference fathers make, more and more children are growing up without their dads. In the last 50 years the percentage of American children living in a household without both parents has doubled, increasing from 18% in 1970 to 37% in 2010. Most of these children are being raised by single moms (Appelbaum, 2013).

This is even truer for children in foster care. Between 50% and 80% of children in foster care are removed from a single mother or unmarried couple (Malm, Murray, & Geen, (2006).

Understanding the important contribution that fathers--even those who have not been living with their children--can make to children's safety, permanence, and well-being, child welfare professionals in North Carolina and across the country are making a concerted effort to improve their ability to reach out to and engage fathers.

A Role for Foster Parents
While child welfare professionals are the ones responsible for finding and connecting with the fathers of children in foster care, foster parents and kin caregivers also have a role to play. Following are some things to keep in mind and steps you can take to
engage the fathers of children in foster care and help them make a positive difference in their children's lives.

Take Your Cue from the Agency. Don't reach out to children's parents without first consulting with your agency.

Focus on the First Contact. Your first conversation or meeting with a child's father is an opportunity to establish a basis for a positive, strengths-based relationship, free from judgments or assumptions. Remind dads how important they are to their children, and that there are some things only they can do for their kids. Phrases that can be helpful include:

• "We cannot redo what's in the past. But we can learn from our mistakes and do better in the future."
• "Your kids will carry what you do forever."
• "You can change things for them by changing your behavior" (NCDSS, 2012; Foster, 2011).

Keep an Open Mind. Don't assume a father is irresponsible or neglectful even if he has been absent (Schmid, 2006). Fear or other barriers may have kept him from being involved in his child's life. He may have been uninvolved because he was unaware of the child's status. "Especially if there is a conflicted relationship with the mother of the child, the father may have had little contact with his children" (Grayson, 2011).

Be Open Minded. If you withhold judgments, you may find he can be a strong support for his child. Cultivate and affirm his desire to play a role in his child's life (Kendall & Pilnik, 2010).

Explain Your Role. Even if they have not been living with their children, fathers are likely to feel the same anxieties and difficult emotions--anger, panic, helplessness--experienced by all parents when their children are placed in foster care. Knowing this can help you listen and respond with empathy.

It also helps if you make your role and goals clear. For example, you may wish to introduce yourself to a child's father by saying, "Bill, my name is John. My wife and I are taking care of your child until he can go home. He's told me about you, he misses you. I felt you wanted to know who was taking care of your son" (Foster, 2008).

Don't Take Sides. If there is conflict between the children's mother and father, stay neutral. If you have questions about how best to do this, consult the child's social worker and your licensing social worker.

Gather and Share Information. Donna Foster (2011) advises foster parents to ask fathers and other birth parents what questions they have for you. They may want to know: Do the children have a room by themselves? Who bathes them? What do you tell them about why they are in foster care? How do you let them know I love them? When can I talk to them? Are you going to change them so that they are more like your family? Do you want to keep my kids?

Ask fathers questions about their children, such as: How do you want us to take care of them? What do your children like to eat? What allergies do they have? Are they allergic to any medications, mold, animals, etc.? What fears do they have? What do you do to calm them? What do they need with them at bedtime? What are their school needs? Are they close to any teachers, bus drivers, or other family members? Who are they? What do you want the children to call us?

Involve Dads in Decisions. When questions are answered you can, in collaboration with the children's social worker, develop an action plan that might include phone calls, visits at the agency, at parks, and in time, at the foster home. Fathers can join their children and the foster parents at medical appointments, school activities and meetings, church functions, community activities, birthdays, holidays, and summer activities.

When a dad attends these functions, foster parents should introduce him as the children's father and ask doctors and school personnel to discuss the child's needs with the dad. This helps the fathers practice parenting and allows foster parents to play a supportive role (Foster, 2011).

Recognize Gender Differences. Dads may be more comfortable engaging with foster fathers. Foster fathers can make dads comfortable by validating his involvement and experiences with the child.

Recognize the father may be influenced by traditional gender roles--for example, he may feel it is his duty is to protect and provide. Support these notions by helping him identify and implement approaches to support the child (Kendall & Pilnik, 2010).

Focus on Strengths. It may take time to get a clear sense of a father's strengths. "Acknowledge efforts or progress he is making, from large accomplishments, like completing a substance abuse program, to smaller involvement, like attending doctor appointments or a basketball game with the child" (Kendall & Pilnik, 2010).

Mentor. Some men may lack positive role modeling for fathering and simply may not know how to be involved. For example, they may have the idea that being a good parent means buying things for children. The lack of skills and practice, coupled with low self-esteem, can be internal motivators to avoid engagement (sources cited in Grayson, 2011).

When Fathers Cannot or Should Not Have Contact

Although in most cases children benefit from contact with their fathers, there will be situations where contact will not be in the best interests of the child. Or, the father may be deceased, unwilling to be in touch with the child, or cannot be found. In these cases, it is still important for caseworkers and GALs to gather information about the father and his family and ensure it is included in the child's case file and shared with the child's caregivers and child as appropriate. Relevant information could include: Family medical history (so the child and her caregivers know of any conditions she may be at risk for); Information about benefits the father might be (or was) entitled to that could pass to the child (e.g., social security, worker's compensation, and inheritance of the father's assets), and any identifying information needed to claim those benefits; Father's contact information, which may include his address, phone number, cell phone number, workplace, and similar information for his relatives so the child or caretaker can reach him in the future; Picture of the father and information about his work, interests, hobbies, etc. (e.g., in the case of a deceased father whose child might one day want to know more about him). Adapted from Kendall & Pilnik, 2010

 

Fathers Matter Good dads are important! Who else can sit and applaud at graduation? Who else can walk you down the aisle? Who else can hold new grandbabies and promise to love them unconditionally? Dads should be there for the important events in their children's lives! -- Casey, age 15 Every aspect of a dad is important. No matter what a man does as a father, good or bad, that impression will always stick with that child. It's time for fathers to step up and be the dads they should be. -- Donisha, age 17 It hurts not to have a dad. . . . When I have kids I will never let them grow up without a father. -- Jasmine, age 15 Reprinted from Fostering Perspectives v. 14, n. 2 (May 2010)

To view references cited in this and other articles in this issue, click here.

~ Family and Children's Resource Program, UNC-CH School of Social Work ~