Vol. 19, No. 1 • November 2014

Preparing Your Children for the Changes that Come with Fostering

Adapted from The Coalition for Children, Youth and Families, 2013

Here are some suggestions from foster parents for preparing family members--especially your children--for the changes that are coming.

Discuss what you learn in foster care pre-service training and discuss the decision to foster as soon as you can.

Talk to your kids. When a mom is pregnant, the parents tell their children to expect a sibling. People talk to them for months to prepare them. Do the same when preparing to foster.

Anticipate how you'll answer tough questions, such as, "Why can't she live with her real mom?" Or "Why does he do that?"

When answering tough questions, it helps to use generalities by talking about why "some kids" are in care or why "some kids" might act out because of past trauma.

Teach your kids about confidentiality and remind them frequently to honor it. Tell them what they can and can't talk about and how to answer questions. Teach them to tell others, "That's not something I can share, but feel free to ask him directly."

Show your kids how to be empathetic. Children entering foster care have just been through a huge change and are probably having a hard time with a lot of things. Talk about how your new household member needs some time to adjust.

Ask your children to put themselves in the child's shoes. Most kids can understand how challenging it would be to adjust to a whole new family, school, foods, friends, teachers, and neighbors all at once.

Remind your children they can be good teachers for the kids in their home. Remind them that their behavior can influence the new children.

Consider making life books for the children who come into your care. Enlist the help of your whole family. For more on life books, Donna Foster's articles in this issue and in our May 2013 issue: www.fosteringperspectives.org/fpv17n2/lifebooks.html.

Be realistic with your children about sharing your time and energy with other children. Acknowledge that this new child may require more than might seem to be his or her fair share of attention. Remind them how much you love them, and let them know how special they are for being part of a family that cares about people.

Teach your kids about children whose parents have not been able to care for them. Books and movies that can help you do this include: The Orphan Trains, Evelyn, The Martian Child, Antwone Fisher, Annie, Lilo & Stitch, The Blind Side, Meet the Robinsons, and many more.

Prepare your family for the inevitability of children leaving your home. Talk about it and let them grieve in their own ways. Some may not seem touched by the change; others may feel the separation and loss deeply.

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To view references cited in this and other articles in this issue, click here.

~ Family and Children's Resource Program, UNC-CH School of Social Work ~