{"id":1106,"date":"2016-10-18T18:52:53","date_gmt":"2016-10-18T18:52:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/?p=1106"},"modified":"2017-05-13T15:02:54","modified_gmt":"2017-05-13T15:02:54","slug":"conquering-food-related-fears-and-behaviors","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/?p=1106","title":{"rendered":"Conquering Food-Related Fears and Behaviors"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Bob DeMarco\"Bob_DeMarco\"<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

Oprah Winfrey once had actor Sidney Poitier on her show as a guest. She asked him about his difficult early life and how it affected him today. In response, Poitier opened his suit jacket and pulled out a Snickers bar.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is always with me,\u201d he told Oprah. \u201cWhen I was a child there were times where we were starving. We had no food. Even after I grew up, made a living, and could put food on my table, and in abundance, I still lived with the fear that I would not have enough food. I live with that fear even today. So, this candy bar is always in my pocket!\u201d<\/p>\n

A Common Issue<\/span><\/h6>\n

Food is often an issue in families with children who have experienced early trauma or neglect. The causes vary, but the results are often the same: overeating, undereating, hoarding food, stealing food. The way children deal with their often intense feelings about food\u2014especially when combined with other challenging behaviors\u2014can drive resource parents to the brink.<\/p>\n

In our home we\u2019ve dealt with \u201cThe Cave Man\u201d who can\u2019t shovel food in fast enough, \u201cThe Bird\u201d who refuses to eat at all, \u201cThe Bottomless Pit\u201d who never seems to fill, \u201cThe Night Owl\u201d who won\u2019t eat dinner but is starving at 2 a.m., \u201cThe Scavenger\u201d who takes from everyone else, and \u201cThe Collector,\u201d who likes to store leftovers from the evening meal under the bed.<\/p>\n

Our kids had indeed come from a neglectful situation and at times went for days without someone offering them food. This might explain why raw spaghetti and dry cake mix are comfort foods for them, or why my son feels an intense need to provide for his younger sister, or why he asks about lunch while eating enough breakfast for three grown men.<\/p>\n

Food Can Be a Minefield<\/span><\/h6>\n

Food-driven behaviors present real challenges for parents and add to the length and breadth of the emotional minefield we navigate as we try to help our kids heal. Many of the mines I\u2019ve stepped on are because I didn\u2019t use the proper parenting techniques I\u2019ve learned. One would think that after five years parenting children with trauma backgrounds, I would know authoritative parenting doesn\u2019t work and that I will not win a battle for control with my kids.<\/p>\n

One would think. And yet I have been heard to say:<\/p>\n

\u201cYou will not leave the table until you eat that chicken\u201d\u2026 BOOM (mine explodes).<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou will not hide food in your room\u201d\u2026 BOOM (mine explodes).<\/em><\/p>\n

We can easily avoid some mines by looking at our kids though a trauma lens. Others are trickier and require greater caution.<\/p>\n

I actually said this to my tween daughter: \u201cHoney, don\u2019t eat more, I know you don\u2019t want to put on more weight.\u201d<\/p>\n

To be honest, with that one I didn\u2019t even know I had goofed up. I was truly trying to encourage her. It wasn\u2019t until my 18-year-old daughter pulled me aside and told me what the message sounded like on the receiving end. With one careless remark I took a shot at my daughter\u2019s already crumbling self-image\u2026KAAAAABOOOOM! <\/em><\/p>\n

Thank God these kids are so resilient and that I get so many chances to teach my kids how to apologize and to forgive.<\/p>\n

What We\u2019ve Learned<\/span><\/h6>\n

As with most things, there are no easy answers when it comes to food challenges. But here are a few things we\u2019ve learned:<\/p>\n

Ironically, many of the medications prescribed to kids like ours to help manage their mood and behaviors affect their appetite. We\u2019ve seen significant swings in eating patterns when meds have changed. Watch out for side effects.<\/p>\n

We\u2019ve learned that our kids sometimes confuse emotional and physical feelings. Anxiety, for example, can be mistaken for hunger. On the way to therapy both kids would claim to be \u201cstarving\u201d but after some probing we helped them see the \u201chunger\u201d sensation was coming not from their freshly-filled bellies, but from concerns about what the therapist might bring up.<\/p>\n

Understanding these and other things has led my wife and I to the realization that battling with our kids over food is not a good fight. Instead we\u2019ve chosen to come alongside our kids to join them in the fight against their food-related fears. Now, this doesn\u2019t mean we allow a free-for-all. Rather, it is changing our frustration- and control-driven perspective to one driven by empathy and creativity.<\/p>\n

What Works for Us<\/span><\/h6>\n

The Basket<\/span>. We\u2019ve ended the midnight marauding of the Night Owl and the hoarding of the Collector with one simple accommodation. In addition to teaching the kids there are appropriate and inappropriate times to eat, we\u2019ve put a well-stocked basket of healthy, packaged foods in each child\u2019s room. They may eat from this basket any time they like. We\u2019ve told them, \u201cWhen it\u2019s getting low, just let us know and we\u2019ll fill it back up.\u201d<\/p>\n

This approach does several things. First, it quells their fear there won\u2019t be enough food. Second, it stops the negative behavior, allowing me to get a good night\u2019s sleep. Third, it gives them some control. They help select the contents of the basket and can eat anything from the basket whenever they want. Finally, it is one small proof to our kids that we are \u201cin their corner\u201d and can be trusted to provide for them… (mine defused)<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Breakfast<\/span>. We take a similar strategy with breakfast. My son can eat as much as he wants, but we put some limits around it. First, he cannot help himself\u2014we must serve or supervise the serving of the cereal or English muffin. Second, we require that healthy foods be in the picture. We choose breakfast cereals with low sugar and high fiber as the \u201cbase\u201d and allow the children to mix in a small amount of sugary cereal if they choose. If that\u2019s not enough, a second bowl of just the \u201chealthy base cereal\u201d can be had. The next course must include fruit, and we typically finish with protein (often peanut butter on toast).<\/p>\n

My son no longer needs the food basket in his room, but he tends to get up earlier than the rest of us. The solution? On Friday nights we provide a granola bar he can eat in the morning to help tide him over, so the rest of us can sleep in a bit.<\/p>\n

At School<\/span>. We\u2019ve worked similar strategies into our kids\u2019 IEPs at school. For example, our son\u2019s IEP calls for him to stay well hydrated and have a snack every two hours, which allows him to focus on his schoolwork. We send the healthy snacks to school as they are needed.<\/p>\n

Let Your Struggles Be a Strength<\/span><\/h6>\n

Food related issues run deep, are hard to overcome, can manifest in different ways, and if not dealt with well, can be a real source of strife.<\/p>\n

The truth is, we all have demons that haunt us and drive our behaviors. Whether it\u2019s anxiety about food, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, or something else, I encourage you to use your personal experiences (I\u2019m talking about your struggles) as a means of connecting with your child. Use them as a way to understand how hard it can be to overcome deep-seated fears and beliefs.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve found I\u2019m most successful as a parent when I\u2019m able to maintain the perspective that it is me and my kids against the demons that haunt them, and I find that I\u2019m best able to have that perspective when I identify with them. As many of you know, parenting kids who have been traumatized can often be an exhausting and thankless job. There is power in reminding ourselves why we foster and adopt in the first place.<\/p>\n

When it comes to challenges around food, a healthy dose of understanding coupled with small, simple accommodations can help our kids cope with their fears and do the healing and growing they need to do.<\/p>\n

Bob DeMarco is an adoptive parent in North Carolina.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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