{"id":1751,"date":"2019-10-22T19:11:09","date_gmt":"2019-10-22T19:11:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/?p=1751"},"modified":"2020-04-17T17:11:54","modified_gmt":"2020-04-17T17:11:54","slug":"lessons-from-my-kinship-care-journey","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/?p=1751","title":{"rendered":"Lessons from My Kinship Care Journey"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Jeanne Preisler \u2022<\/p>\n

My niece was born when I was 12. I remember whispering in her ear that I would always take care of her. It is a promise I try to keep even today, nearly 40 years later.<\/p>\n

My mother served as her primary caregiver on and off for most of my teenage years. I remember playing baby doll and teaching her the alphabet on an old chalkboard. I remember driving her to daycare on my way to high school, looking in the rearview mirror as we sang \u201cFive Little Speckled Frogs\u201d at the top of our lungs.<\/p>\n

I was 26, working a temporary job, and barely making ends meet when I started raising my niece. I think I was in shock for the first couple months.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

As with many kinship placements, there were pockets of time when my niece lived with her biological parent(s). My mother and I hoped for the best each time, but we also prepared for her return if necessary. The fact that my brother couldn\u2019t raise his daughter broke his heart. I never once doubted his love for her. But addiction and bad choices put him on a path that prevented him from being her parent. My brother keeps a picture of her with him at all times and he and I know that she is \u201chis\u201d daughter.<\/p>\n

But she is also my daughter. She came to live with me full time when she was 14. And, for a while, she called me \u201cAunt Jeanne.\u201d I don\u2019t remember the first time she called me \u201cMom,\u201d but I have been \u201cMom\u201d for almost two decades now. She has grown into a remarkable woman and is now a mother herself\u2014a beautiful one at that. I find great joy in watching her raise her daughter, my granddaughter.<\/p>\n

Navigating Family Dynamics<\/span><\/strong>
\nI am one of millions of people in the nation who have raised family members\u2014grandchildren, nieces, nephews, cousins, siblings. Many more raise children who are not related by blood, but \u201ckin\u201d nonetheless. We are an army of caregivers who, out of love and hope for the future, do what needs to be done. It is a difficult journey at times. We grieve for what could have been for ourselves, for our loved ones, for those we are raising. Also, we must forever navigate complex emotions, shifting roles, and challenging family dynamics.<\/p>\n

For me, this meant not only working through my relationship with my brother, but also navigating a contentious relationship with my former sister-in-law while balancing the feelings of my mother (who felt guilty) and my friends (who discouraged me from taking on such a big responsibility).<\/p>\n

Most kinship caregivers don\u2019t have advance notice that they will be needed. Often, the phone rings, there is a crisis of some kind, and you have a young person with you that night. Lives are turned sideways in a flash. Everything is complicated by pre-existing family relationships. Additionally, kinship caregivers often have no training and no financial support. At the time I got my phone call, I was 26 years old, working a temporary job, and barely making ends meet. I think I was in shock for the first couple months.<\/p>\n

Overnight it seemed, I changed from being \u201ccool\u201d Aunt Jeanne to an authority figure who had to reprimand poor choices. I was hyper-vigilant for any behavior I thought would lead her down the same path as her biological parents. I didn\u2019t know anything about \u201cstrategic sharing\u201d back then; while I was embarrassed to talk about my brother\u2019s situation, I felt I had to share when people asked why I was raising my niece, which was emotionally draining. These emotions were mixed with all the positive, proud moments, which further complicated my experience.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t know how important my own wellness was to raising a child. In hindsight, I should have immediately started therapy to better equip myself for the emotional roller coaster I was on.<\/p>\n

Complex emotions are particularly frequent among kinship caregivers. You might blame the relative whose child you are raising\u2014whether they are incarcerated, have died, or are otherwise not able to raise their child. You might harbor anger at the youth\u2019s ungratefulness. You might experience shock and profound worry at behaviors you see in your kin or the child you are raising. You might feel resentfulness and just want your life back.<\/p>\n

Two Key Questions<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

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Dr. Crumbley<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Dr. Joseph Crumbley has a training series where he asks kinship caregivers to ask themselves two questions: (1) \u201cShould I and can I be a caregiver?\u201d and (2) \u201cShould I and can I continue to be a caregiver?\u201d (AECF, 2017). These are important questions, even if you feel you have no choice but to be the caregiver. Given emerging adults are now leaving home around age 25, consider how old you will be when they turn 25. To step up when a crisis happens is one thing; to continue to be the caregiver long-term is quite another. We must prepare ourselves in case the journey is longer than we initially thought. (Click here<\/a> for more from Dr. Crumbley.<\/em>)<\/p>\n

I had to ask myself the second question again recently. My daughter and grandchild are living with me, and while I am no longer the primary caregiver, it is still an applicable question. Should I and can I continue to be a caregiver? My daughter and I have had difficult conversations about my ability and willingness to continue to provide such support.<\/p>\n

Reflect and Talk about What Hurts<\/span><\/strong>
\nWhat hurt might you and your child be experiencing today that you need to talk about? (I am a big fan of the \u201cName It To Tame It\u201d principle.)<\/p>\n

From the child or youth\u2019s perspective, it hurts to be different than other families. It hurts that they are not with their mom or dad. It hurts that they may be separated from siblings, from friends, from pets. It hurts to think (erroneously) that they caused their parent\u2019s crisis. It hurts to fear for your parents\u2019 safety and well-being.<\/p>\n

From the caregiver\u2019s perspective, it hurts to carry resentment for what \u201ccould have been.\u201d It hurts to worry about money, about parenting skills, about school issues. It hurts not to be able to do the things with your friends you used to do. It hurts to fear for your relatives\u2019 safety and well-being.<\/p>\n

Talking about what hurts us is hard. However, talking about grief and loss issues can help the healing process, build trust, and support attachment. In his 2013 book Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain<\/em>, Dr. Daniel Siegel suggests some helpful ways for us to reflect on attachment. Here are some questions you and your child or youth can discuss together. While these are framed from the youth\u2019s perspective, kinship caregivers can reflect on them as well, given they also know the youth\u2019s parents.<\/p>\n