\u201cIt wasn\u2019t an option.\u201d Four simple words that perfectly sum up what it means to be a kinship caregiver.
I recently had the opportunity to talk with Tom and Teresa of Garner, NC about what kept them going as kinship caregivers when things got tough, draining, and seemingly like too much to handle.
They almost in unison told me when they had the opportunity to become licensed kinship caregivers for their teenage niece, \u201cit wasn\u2019t an option.\u201d They were going to do what they needed to so their niece would live with them and not go to a stranger\u2019s home.
Of course, being a kinship caregiver is much different than being a traditional foster parent. Tom and Teresa already had a close relationship with their niece and had known her for her whole life. A clear advantage to kinship care. They knew about her likes, dislikes, temperament, and history. That by no means meant it was easy though.
Going from the fun aunt and uncle to the primary caregiver of a family member who was gone through extreme trauma was a major and challenging shift. Their niece came with mental health issues, guilt, shame, and confusion. The family dynamics also changed. Tom and Teresa shared that one day they were being thanked by their niece\u2019s parents for caring for her, and the next they were accused of \u201ctaking their daughter.\u201d A different and difficult component of kinship care.
Tom and Teresa told me \u201cit wasn\u2019t an option\u201d because they knew how difficult life would be for their niece if she entered foster care and was placed with strangers. She was very withdrawn, had suicidal ideations, and had a hard time attaching to people. \u201cShe would have been moved multiple, multiple times,\u201d Tom said. With all the challenges they laid out before me I asked the simple question of \u201cwhat kept you from giving up?\u201d They gave me a simple answer back: \u201cSupport.\u201d
It was their licensing agency, Methodist Home for Children. It was their very engaged and involved Guardian ad Litem. It was the therapist who was a perfect fit (it took a few tries of finding the right one). It was the training they received to help them better understand their nieces trauma and how that impacted them as her caregivers. It was the rest of the family rallying behind them, and it was their own perseverance.
Tom and Teresa\u2019s niece recently turned 16 and their adoption has been finalized. An official shift from\u201caunt and uncle\u201dto\u201cmom and dad.\u201dThat\u2019s how their niece introduces them to people now, and she\u2019s proud to do so. At a recent parent-teacher conference at school she shared how happy it made her to be able to introduce people to her \u201cmom and dad.\u201d Simple things we take for granted mean everything to her.
We know that youth in kinship care tend to have better outcomes than youth placed in traditional foster care (Casey Family Programs, 2020). Another reason Tom and Teresa knew \u201cit wasn\u2019t an option.\u201d I could hear the pride in their voices as they told me about all of the progress their niece has made. She feels both physically and psychologically safe in their home. She doesn\u2019t have to worry about being hurt, and if there is an argument, good feelings are quickly restored. She\u2019s gaining confidence, she is coming to peace with her past through hard work at therapy, and has a safe and stable home. Tom and Teresa also marvel about their own personal growth through this experience.
All of the kinship caregivers I\u2019ve had the pleasure of meeting are all extremely strong-willed people. They step up. They will tell you that \u201cfamily takes care of family.\u201d They\u2019ll also all tell you they need strong support systems put in place. Kinship caregivers shouldn\u2019t feel isolated and alone. They need effective supports to be successful and thrive. It\u2019s not an option.<\/p>\n\n\n\n