{"id":26,"date":"2015-06-21T16:03:10","date_gmt":"2015-06-21T16:03:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fptemp.wpengine.com\/?p=26"},"modified":"2016-06-27T20:43:24","modified_gmt":"2016-06-27T20:43:24","slug":"self-care-do-it-for-yourself-your-family-and-your-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/?p=26","title":{"rendered":"Self-care: Do it for Yourself, Your Family, and Your Kids"},"content":{"rendered":"

This article draws extensively from Chapter 8 of the National Child Traumatic Stress Network\u2019s curriculum (2010)\u00a0<\/em>\u201cCaring for Children Who Have Experienced Trauma: A Workshop for\u00a0<\/em>Resource Parents\u201d
\nIf resource parents had a motto, it might be \u201cchildren first.\u201d Or perhaps \u201cchildren and their families first.\u201d
\nEither would be fitting. Foster and adoptive parents and kinship caregivers do what they do because they want to see children and their families heal and thrive. Their focus is on the welfare of others.
\nBut they\u2019ve got to be careful. Meeting the needs of the children in their care can be so all-consuming that sometimes they put themselves and their own needs last.
\nThis, of course, is a mistake. To be healthy, children need healthy families. But when we neglect ourselves, we may suddenly find we are overwhelmed, exhausted, drained, frustrated, angry, resentful, and unable to take joy in the good work we do.
\nCompassion Fatigue<\/strong>
\nCaring for children who have experienced trauma can take a toll on resource parents. When the stress of parenting affects our mental and physical health or interferes with our ability to parent effectively, we are suffering from \u201ccompassion fatigue.\u201d The following can be signs of compassion fatigue:
\n\u2022 Feeling mentally or physically exhausted most of the time
\n\u2022 Using alcohol, food, caffeine, or other substances to fight feelings of being overwhelmed
\n\u2022 Sleeping too much or too little
\n\u2022 Feeling numb and distanced from others or your own life
\n\u2022 Feeling unsatisfied in your work
\n\u2022 Feeling moody, frequently lashing out at children or your partner
\n\u2022 Catching every cold that comes along, or frequent headaches or stomachaches
\nWhen we start showing these signs, chances are we aren\u2019t providing the consistent, predictable, enriching, and nurturing care the children in our homes need. Self-care can help us get back on track; it can also keep us from getting to this point in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Common Barriers to Self-Care for Resource Parents\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Outward Focus<\/strong>. Most days, foster and adoptive parents devote far more energy to others\u2019 needs than to their well-being. In fact, many are uncomfortable being on the receiving end of other people\u2019s attention and assistance.\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Busyness<\/strong>. Many caregivers really want to be there for others. They want to remember birthdays with a cake, they want to help out at church, or deliver a meal to a sick friend. So they work harder and longer.\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Uncertainty<\/strong>. Too many caregivers simply do not know what meaningful self-care looks like for them. They know something is missing but they can\u2019t quite put their finger on just what might make them feel better.\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Denial<\/strong>. Too many caregivers believe they somehow don\u2019t or shouldn\u2019t need support.\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Minimizing\/feelings of unworthiness<\/strong>. Natural and man-made disasters and other terrible occurrences in the news, remind us there are always other people who are worse off. We\u2019re taught as children to be happy with what we have, since other people have it much harder. As a result we sometimes feel guilty because our stress and struggles pale in comparison.Adapted from Weissberg, 2012<\/em><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

Barriers to Self-Care<\/strong>
\nWe know we should exercise, eat right, and do the \u201cother stuff\u201d needed to take care of ourselves. But family life can be chaotic and demanding. When you add in parent-child visits, therapy appointments, school meetings, check-ups, and the other things we have on our plates, it is easy for self-care activities to be forgotten.
\nAs the sidebar on the previous page illustrates, there can be many barriers to self-care for resource parents. If you\u2019ve struggled with self-care, you\u2019re not alone.
\nAs they turn out the light at the end of the day, how many resource parents think wistfully to themselves, \u201cMaybe I\u2019ll be able to grab a quiet moment for myself tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n

Taking care of ourselves helps our children learn how to take good care of themselves.<\/p>\n

Self-Care Is a Skill<\/strong>
\nOne thing to keep in mind about self-care is that it is a skill\u2014something you can practice and get better at. You will make mistakes or slip up, but if you keep at it, it will become easier and a natural part of your daily life.
\nSelf-Care Basics<\/strong>
\nSuppose you are a resource parent who is presently doing nothing to take care of herself. Where should you begin?
\nHere are a few basic self-care practices that should be part of every person\u2019s life:
\n\u2022 Get enough sleep most nights; for some people this is six hours a night, for others eight.
\n\u2022 Eat a healthy, balanced diet, including breakfast. Avoid eating on the run, behind your desk, or in your car.
\n\u2022 Get some form of regular exercise.
\n\u2022 Visit your doctors and follow their recommendations.
\n\u2022 Use alcohol in moderation, or not at all.
\n\u2022 Take regular breaks from stressful activities. Nonstop parenting can be a stressful activity. Find a way, somehow, every day, to have at least a few minutes to yourself. Take a relaxing bath, read a book, sit on the porch, have a cup of herbal tea.
\n\u2022 Laugh every day.
\n\u2022 Express yourself. If you\u2019re feeling frustrated, sad, or angry, be honest about your emotions before they get out of control. Tell your children or spouse calmly that you are angry before you fly off the handle. Express the positive, as well, by making time to engage in something that you love, such as a craft, a game, writing, painting, or a sport.
\n\u2022 Nurture your relationships with your partner, family, and friends. Have a hobby or take a class, get a massage, or have a regular night out.
\n\u2022 Let someone else do something to take care of you.
\nBy taking care of ourselves, we make it easier to face the challenges that come with parenting children who have endured trauma.
\nCreate a Self-Care Plan<\/strong>
\nSetting goals can help you get the self-care you need. Consider creating a written self-care plan. The goal here is to maintain a balance between work and relaxation, and between your commitments to others and to yourself.
\nYour plan should include activities you do purely for fun. It should also include a regular stress management approach, such as a physical activity you enjoy, meditation, yoga, or prayer.
\nYour plan should list things you plan to do either daily or weekly\/monthly. As you build your plan, be careful to include things that are reasonable\u2014that you really can do\u2014and that are just for you. The box above shows a sample self-care plan.
\nRemember, the best plan in the world will only work if you actually follow through with it. Deliberately place your self-care plan somewhere you can see it, and where it can serve as a reminder of your commitment to taking good care of yourself, as well as your children.<\/p>\n

Source: Chapter 8 \u201cCaring for Children Who Have Experienced Trauma: A Workshop for Resource Parents\u201d (NCTSN, 2010)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sample Self-Care PlanI promise to make time to take care of myself by doing the following at least . . .Daily walk the dogplay with the catexercisepray\/meditateread a book for pleasure<\/p>\n

write in my journal<\/p>\n

listen to music in the car<\/p>\n

Weekly or Monthly<\/p>\n

go bowling<\/p>\n

nice dinner out with my partner<\/p>\n

get a manicure, pedicure, etc.<\/p>\n

go out with a group of friends<\/p>\n

attend a support group meeting<\/p>\n

go to the movies<\/p>\n

attend religious services<\/p>\n

Note: Your plan should include a few items in the daily and weekly\/monthly categories\u2014not too many!<\/em><\/p>\n

Source: NCTSN, 2010<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

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