By Lanitta Berry<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Connection is a deep bond that most can recognize and understand, no matter how different our cultures and belief systems are. For many children growing up, their longest and often strongest relationships are those with their siblings. To place a value on sibling connections is to admit that you really don’t comprehend how pivotal it is in a child’s life. So instead of telling you about its importance, I will share my story and let you decide what it means to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I was 9, I remembered a very emotional time for my family. My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and there were difficult decisions made. I remember one day coming home from school and witnessing how our living room transformed from a family living space to a mini triage center after my mother was released from the hospital. There was nothing the doctors could do except to encourage our family to make her comfortable. During this time, I often questioned what life itself is if we can be born and live long enough to see people we love the most die. My existential dread made my breathing labored, but my brother calmed me. He was close enough to hear, grabbed my hand, and explained that it would be ok because he was there with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Months later, that changed. I was 10 when I found my brother’s unconscious body. He was rushed to the hospital, and we were told he had almost overdosed on our mother’s morphine, and DSS was called. The emergency social worker prevented any family from seeing him. I felt anger and confusion. \u201cWhy can’t I see my brother?\u201d \u201cWhat gives them the right to keep us away?\u201d So many thoughts, but all were motivated by how powerless I felt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now that he was in care, court dates, social worker visits, and CFT meetings occurred, but all that mattered to me was seeing him. Throughout the whole process, there wasn’t a priority for us to meet. When I did it, it was because of the visitation agreement he had with our dad, which wasn’t ideal. Whenever my dad fell out of line with his case plan, the penalty was not seeing his child, which meant I couldn’t see him. This was the reality of being the sibling who was left behind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Months after being in care and after the passing of our mother, my brother would also be in the hospital. Since birth, he had a very severe case of sickle cell that prevented him from certain physical activities, foods, and medications. But after having a stroke, he was rushed to the hospital, and our family was notified.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
During his whole time in care, visits between us were never prioritized, but it wasn’t until he was on his deathbed that I could see him for as long as the hospital visiting hours were. As a child, seeing him walking normally, then being in bed with severe scarring due to a surgical procedure to save as much of his brain as possible, had me at my breaking point. To cope, I needed to be as far away from the room as possible, but I was seen as inconsiderate because I didn’t mourn like others. He eventually was taken off life support, and his spirit rejoined our mothers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In the aftermath of his passing, no keepsakes were given, but there was a conversation. The only explanation given was that he had complications with his sickle cell that were not correctly taken care of, and that’s why my brother didn’t get the chance to see his 18th birthday. This experience did contribute to why I didn’t go into care for so long because I knew life at home was toxic, but I had to choose between a prison and a neglectful system. I chose the familiar trauma.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Many don’t realize that when youth are in an emotionally volatile spot, severing family connections can lead to intervention from DSS at a later time. It’s very sinister to separate siblings and family from positive ties because you are unconsciously teaching people to normalize isolation. Isolation is not just physical, but it’s emotional and mental too. As a person who eventually entered the system, I saw firsthand how alienating the system makes foster youth feel. Being surrounded by professionals and caretakers in the most vulnerable position, you need family the most, but when they are not there, you can feel small, insignificant, and alone even within a room filled with people who say they know best for you. Family is a lifeline when you are in a sea of decisions and life’s challenges. When you aren’t supporting sibling connections, you are cutting the thread, and that young person will be washed away. The massive current pulls them away, and the raging waves will push them further out to sea.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am older now, and the pain from this trauma is a burden I still feel. With time, it has grown lighter, but no amount of condolences can mend that connection. I was in college studying Business Administration and Finance when I met my business law professor and realized he was the judge who presided over my brother’s case. He remembered him and our family. I had to be the one to tell him of his passing, and realized that this experience cut deeper than what others tried to convince me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let my story be a cautionary tale that prevents more harm. Encourage siblings, whether or not they are in care, to maintain a relationship with their sibling in foster care. If you are a caregiver, engage with the birth family to allow for more normalcy. If you are a clinical professional and a social worker, avoid utilizing visitation as a reward and be intentional about siblings’ bonding. If you are a legal advocate or counsel, speak to the youth and voice their wishes for sibling connection in and out of the courtroom. This is a system issue, and it takes all of us to change and make sure families don’t pay the ultimate price. It is crucial to nurture bonds now because their lives didn’t begin when DSS received a phone call to investigate, and they won’t end even when the final draft of the case notes is written. Intentionality matters, and so does your support in making sure siblings maintain connections. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Lanitta Berry is a Child Welfare and Business Administration Consultant with lived experience in the foster care system<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Lanitta Berry Connection is a deep bond that most can recognize and understand, no matter how different our cultures and belief systems are. For […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2849,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1661,16,17,22,18,1,21],"tags":[],"series":[1698],"class_list":["post-2878","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-additional-content-right","category-honoring-family-connections","category-promoting-permanency","category-teens","category-trauma-informed-care","category-uncategorized","category-youth-perspectives","series-february-2026"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2878","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2878"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2878\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2849"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2878"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2878"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2878"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fseries&post=2878"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}