{"id":32,"date":"2015-06-21T18:28:44","date_gmt":"2015-06-21T18:28:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fptemp.wpengine.com\/?p=32"},"modified":"2016-06-30T18:56:25","modified_gmt":"2016-06-30T18:56:25","slug":"my-ongoing-journey-as-a-foster-dad-or-learning-to-be-the-father-my-children-need-me-to-be","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/?p=32","title":{"rendered":"My Ongoing Journey as a Foster Dad – Or, learning to be the father my children need me to be<\/br>by Bob DeMarco"},"content":{"rendered":"

If I had to sum up how I feel into one word, it would be impotent\u2026 It\u2019s taken me some time to come to grips with it, but like it or not, that\u2019s the word.
\nIt\u2019s a Different Kind of Parenting<\/strong>
\nLike some of you, I stepped into this world of fostering\/adopting at my wife\u2019s prodding and it took me a while to \u201cget on board.\u201d But once I did, I was equally committed to helping one or more children who desperately needed it. I felt that I\u2019d done a good job raising my biological four, so I reasoned that I had something to offer other children, too.
\nWhat I didn\u2019t realize was that the parenting paradigm I\u2019d operated under needed to be thrown out the window, and that the things I count as strengths are of little value to kids who have been traumatized. Or so it seems. For these little ones, learning to be respectful, responsible, and obedient aren\u2019t a priority. For them, continued survival is their core goal, and they pursue it in ways that have worked for them in the past: by distrusting adults, lying, stealing, sneaking, ignoring directions, hoarding, fighting, manipulating\u2026 the list goes on.
\nMy kids need a dad who has characteristics such as kindness, patience, gentleness, loving, wisdom, self-control, and empathy. I don\u2019t have many of these traits. Sure, I have love to give, and I\u2019m as compassionate as the next guy, but patience and gentleness and wisdom\u2026maybe not so much.
\nThank Goodness for My Wife<\/strong>
\nMy wife, on the other hand, navigates the challenges of our home quite well, seeing beyond the kids\u2019 behavior and meeting them where they are. Where I get angry, she finds compassion. Where I think we should come down hard, she thinks we should go easy. Where I take disrespect and blatant disobedience personally, she knows it\u2019s not about me. My wife is very well read on the subject of traumatized children. Although she, too, gets frustrated and tired, in general I find myself often deferring to her judgment.
\nIn contrast, at work I\u2019m part of the leadership team. I\u2019m respected. People listen to me and appreciate my contribution. My opinion is sought. It\u2019s stressful, fast-paced, and results-driven, but I know my job and I know what needs to be done. At the end of the day, when I leave the realm of mutual respect and teamwork to enter into the realm of constant bickering, disobedience, yelling, and school suspensions, my energy is sapped and there is little left in my mental gas tank.
\nIt\u2019s hard to make the shift. One minute I\u2019m in the middle of a corporate deal and the next I\u2019m irrationally tangled up with a disrespectful child, desperately but futilely trying to gain control of the situation. At just that moment, my wife swoops in to rescue one of us, either me or the child, I\u2019m not sure which.
\nThat Chorus of Doubts<\/strong>
\nIt\u2019s just here, in the midst of all these complex emotions, that the quiet voices start. Just like in Whoville, they start off low but then they start to grow. They say:
\nIt\u2019s better for the kids if you just keep quiet. <\/em>
\nYou can\u2019t get them to do what you ask or be who you know they should be. <\/em>
\nAll you do is make things worse. <\/em>
\nYou have nothing to offer. <\/em>
\nYou can look forward to 10 more years of this.<\/em>
\nOn and on they go, cutting at my core. Once strong, I find myself succumbing to these relentless voices, now a chorus. I pull back. Because otherwise I\u2019m just impotent and in the way. Or so I feel.
\nA Big Conversation with My Daughter<\/strong>
\nRecently, this all came to a head. My daughter\u2019s sarcasm and cutting remarks were in especially rare form, and I HAD HAD ENOUGH. Fuming, I decided I was done. I would stop trying. From here on out, I told myself, she and I would simply coexist in the same house!
\nWhen it came time for dinner, and knowing that I didn\u2019t have anything good to offer, I chose to spare my family my misery and took my plate into my office and began to eat alone. I was low and at a loss for what to do.
\nAfter about 10 minutes there was a small knock at the door and I heard my daughter ask if she could talk to me. Worn out, I quickly responded, \u201cNo! I don\u2019t want to talk to you, just leave me be.\u201d
\nAs soon as the words left my lips, I felt regret and disappointment that I could not rise up and do what I should. But I was at the end of my rope.
\nTo my surprise and relief, 5 minutes later came a second small knock. \u201cDaddy, I\u2019d like to talk to you, please.\u201d This time I invited her in but I expected her usual fake apology where she blames everyone else and then just tells me what she thinks I want to hear.
\nI was wrong. She perfectly communicated her feelings, along with an apology. She didn\u2019t just come in and stare at me as she so often did. She didn\u2019t need the usual coaching for every word. She looked me in the eyes and clearly communicated her message and waited for my reply.
\nWith my face in my hands and tears in my eyes, the anger quickly melted away. All I could do was admire her strength in that moment: this was a really big deal for her!
\nI congratulated her on this momentous accomplishment. We spent the next several minutes connecting, apologizing, and forgiving each other.
\nIn a word, it was beautiful. She managed to overcome her feelings and my feelings, to connect with me and repair what had been broken. In that moment, of the two of us, she was the stronger\u2014I needed help and it came from my eight-year-old daughter.
\nGreat healing, growth, and connection happened that evening. It also highlighted what I already knew: I was not being effective or helpful. But I felt inspired. Her strength encouraged me and caused me to want to be better.
\nA Powerful Choice<\/strong>
\nWe have therapists and support people in our home every week. Many times, the therapist seems to be more help to my wife and I than to our kids. At the next opportunity, I shared my daughter\u2019s feat of strength and my feelings of impotence and hopelessness.
\nThe therapist reminded me that the worst day in my home is still helping my children heal from the trauma they experienced before entering foster care. She reminded me of the important role I play in my kids\u2019 life and that I show them every day that men don\u2019t hit women and that dads stick it through even when it gets hard.
\nShe reminded me that even in the face of my failures (and they are many), I teach my children the power of forgiveness and that each day we get to start fresh.
\nThen she wrote this down on a piece of paper and handed it to me:
\nYou have the power to choose to forgive.<\/strong>
\nShe said, \u201cYou are not impotent. You have all the power and control; the power to forgive your children for not responding to the love and caring that you give them.\u201d
\nSuddenly it all made sense. This was the key I\u2019d been looking for!
\nI keep that paper with me so I\u2019ll always remember that the choice to forgive is mine to make as often as I need to. It helps me to take the disrespect and disobedience, because in the end, I must take the onslaught, but I cannot be forced to forgive. That is my choice. AND IT IS POWERFUL.
\nBob DeMarco is therapeutic foster parent in North Carolina.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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