{"id":39,"date":"2016-06-21T17:18:29","date_gmt":"2016-06-21T17:18:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fptemp.wpengine.com\/?p=39"},"modified":"2016-06-27T20:42:49","modified_gmt":"2016-06-27T20:42:49","slug":"window-pain","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fosteringperspectives.org\/?p=39","title":{"rendered":"Window Pain<\/br>by Mark Maxwell, PhD"},"content":{"rendered":"

A broken porch window was a wake-up call our family needed<\/em><\/p>\n

My eyes immediately went to the broken window pane next to our front door. Justin lay asleep on the front porch bench. It was an 85-degree summer day, but he wore a long-sleeved flannel shirt and sweats. There was broken glass but, thank goodness, no blood.<\/p>\n

\u201cJustin, do you want to harm yourself?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

His answer: \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

We feared the worst. Dealing with Justin had pushed our family to its limit. Would he self-medicate? Take a knife to his wrist? Or would it be just another 16 hours of sleep and nothing else?<\/p>\n

We loved Justin, but the broken window was a wake-up call.<\/p>\n

Meeting Justin<\/p>\n

Justin came into our lives in 2012. A Guardian ad Litem friend told me about a 15-year-old young man who was an outstanding student, had no behavioral problems, took no medications, and self-identified as gay. My spouse and I agreed to meet Justin.<\/p>\n

The GAL was right. Justin is an amazing young man. He\u2019s studious, a gifted writer and orator, and wants a good life.<\/p>\n

Over several months, Justin met our three other sons and other family members. Shortly before his 16th birthday, Justin\u2019s adoption was finalized. We became his forever family.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t until after Justin was an intricate part of our family that we discovered the periods of despair and mania that clung to him like thorns on a rose.<\/p>\n

As parents, we were accustomed to teenagers\u2019 moods. Justin\u2019s struggles were something else, but we didn\u2019t see it at first. It wasn\u2019t until the blinds started to shut in his radiant eyes, his grades slipped, and his normal prideful appearance changed to oversized sweats that we realized our beautiful son carried deep mental scars from his experiences of abuse and neglect.<\/p>\n

Staying Strong to Help Justin Heal<\/p>\n

Helping Justin heal requires us to first acknowledge that his past trauma is real. Helping Justin reach self-sufficiency is our goal. We love our son, but we know that his health depends on the state of our health.<\/p>\n

What do we do to take care of ourselves? We surround ourselves with a support system of friends and professionals. We ask lots of questions. We look for family-friendly documentaries that help us understand that Justin did not create his pain, but he is responsible for asking for help and allowing those who care about him to keep him healthy and help him heal. (See a list of recommended documentaries at right.<\/em>)<\/p>\n

Justin is one of the best gifts we have ever received in our lives. He cannot be blamed for the impact of his reactions to past emotional abuse and neglect. He is a child and he is learning to cope.<\/p>\n

Life Today<\/p>\n

Today, because of his internal fortitude, the right medications, and the love of family and friends, Justin is thriving, writing his first book of poetry, and preparing for college. His smile is back. He understands that there are consequences for breaking things. He works part-time and agreed to repair the broken window.<\/p>\n

We chose to share our story to encourage other families not to give up hope. When we as a family felt love and logic were not enough, we started honest conversations with professionals, family, and friends. We asked for help and support and we continue to get it. Children like Justin matter. During the emotional storm, we reflected on photos from family vacations and his gifts as a writer and artist. We allowed ourselves to feel the anger and emotional pain.<\/p>\n

As a family we laugh a lot. As a father, I proud of my son for realizing that his existence is a gift to our family and the world.<\/p>\n

Mark Maxwell and his life partner Timothy Young-Maxwell have four children adopted from North Carolina\u2019s foster care system.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I Needed Help by Justin<\/p>\n

I was sixteen when winter crystallized over my skin. Like dirty road salt, it exfoliated my pride and joy.<\/p>\n

Below-zero, I lay frozen, attached to my bed. Tears dripped onto my Pima Cotton sheets and feather mattress handpicked by my parents for my comfort. Flashbacks rolled through my mind of the singlewide tinfoil trailer planted into the dry dirt on the outskirts of the city that I once called home.<\/p>\n

Tap water, a loaf of bread, and a fist of knuckles that stood out like stones. Those knuckles stepped across my face more times than I can count. A dark pine forest grew around my heart, blocking out the sunlight.<\/p>\n

On a lakeside sits a skeleton staring at purple bruises and crooked teeth. \u201cThis blood family doesn\u2019t flow right.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
At 16, I got the call from my past life. My mind and body became like a building that had been vandalized.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

 <\/p>\n

On January 26, 2010 I stared at the barrel of gun. Mom owed them money for drugs. They came to collect and shot my dog.<\/p>\n

The word \u201cmom\u201d chaps my lips. I can\u2019t give blood during a routine doctor\u2019s visit without seeing her with a needle in her arm.<\/p>\n

I sat in therapy sobbing the words \u201cI can\u2019t go back.\u201d I exited Hell for foster care. Like a bird, I landed into a forever family at age 15.<\/p>\n

Finally\u2026family meals and family outings that didn\u2019t end with me picking up the mess. I am just a kid!<\/p>\n

For a year, I hung up my memories of abuse like a dropped call on a payphone\u2026just gone. I was vibrating and happy.<\/p>\n

At 16, I got the call from my past life. My mind and body became like a building that had been vandalized. I got high just to eat and forget. Nightmares rolled through me. My mind was drenched in gasoline. I couldn\u2019t sleep, I cut myself, and I put amphetamines into my nostrils.<\/p>\n

Multiple hospital stays later, the journals and the scars on my arms remind me that I wrote the same poetic suicide note over and over again. I saw the hurt in my dad\u2019s eyes the first time he hospitalized me. On the day I broke the window pane I didn\u2019t care.<\/p>\n

But I knew I needed help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Related Learning ResourcesOur family looks for films that help us gain insights and promote our resilience. Here are a few I recommend. \u2014 Mark Maxwell, PhD<\/em>Call Me Crazy<\/u>. An anthology of five short films exploring the impact and stigma of mental illness. Three of the five stories are connected. This is an excellent film for that offers a peek into the impact of issues such as PTSD on individuals and families.CAMP<\/u>: Eli is brought into foster care when his mother dies of a drug overdose. Placed in a group home, he attends a summer camp intended to help foster kids form relationships with caring adults. Eli is assigned to Ken, a counselor who cares more about money than about kids. However, Ken eventually learns to care for Eli. He becomes trustworthy, and Eli becomes able to trust.<\/p>\n

The Dark Matter of Love<\/u>: Documentary on the psychological aspects of growing up with and without parental love. Centers on a family with children that adopts three orphans from Russia.<\/p>\n

Note<\/u><\/strong>: Some agencies offer training credit to foster parents who document that they have watched relevant movies and\/or documentaries. Always check with your agency before using this approach to meet training requirements.<\/p>\n

 <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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