Vol. 6, No. 1• November 2001

Learning through the experiences of a former foster youth
by Sharon Karow, Newsletter Editor, National Resource for Foster Care and Permanency Planning

Caring foster parents can be a godsend to children in need of out-of-home care and protection. Yet, foster parents and foster homes come in a variety of emotional, cognitive and cultural packages—just as biological parents and families do —making the reasons for and ways of parenting foster children of critical importance to the overall experiences and well-being of foster children.

In 1967, my eight brothers and sisters _ ranging in ages from one year to 16 years _ and I were removed from our home and placed in nine separate foster homes in two different towns. Over the following four years, we came together to renew our bond with one another only twice and never with our mother. In all, my siblings and I experienced 16 different foster homes; four of my youngest siblings were later adopted by their foster parents -one brother, age two at the time, has never been seen or heard from again.

The relationships that my siblings and I had with our foster families varied greatly in affection, care and long-term association. Most of us felt very distant and removed from the foster families with whom we were living, but several of my siblings became and remain very close to the families who cared for them. The reasons vary just as the experiences and are very telling. My foster parents- although responsible and attentive to my needs- failed to understand how hurt I felt when they required me to call them Mr. & Mrs. X, nor did they understand how painful their teasing of me affected my fragile adolescent personality and heart. At the other end of the spectrum of experiences was the relationship that one of my sisters had with her fifth and final foster family. Her foster parents opened their arms wide and wanted my sister to feel that they were her "Mom" and "Dad" and that she was completely at home. They were very concerned about her wounded spirit and feelings of great insecurity. After only a short time in their home, my sister began to thrive and her anger and hurt began to quickly vanish. The crowning gift these foster parents gave to my sister was their wish to adopt her and, although she decided against it, they continued to treat her as their "daughter" and even informed her that she was in their will. My sister began to heal for the first time in the six years she had been in foster care. My relationship with my foster family ended when I turned 18, but my sister's relationship with her foster family remains very strong and loving- a true commitment of love, family and permanency in relationships.

It is not that foster parents should be expected to be financially responsible for a foster child forever, but how foster parents open up their hearts and their homes to care for a child or youth is critical to the adjustment and well-being of the child and the fostering experience. Today if we randomly polled children and young adults living in or having lived in family foster care, the stories of their relationships with their foster families would reveal a wide continuum of very positive and very negative experiences. Whether or not each remain close to his or her foster family would have a direct correlation to his or her story and its place along the continuum. Having reflected on my own experiences and having listened to the stories of my siblings and those of other children who lived in family foster care, I have compiled a list of recommendations to foster parents that can help to make a foster child feel more accepted and cared about, thereby increasing the likelihood that the fostering experience is far more fulfilling, positive and an opportunity for growth (see Making Foster Youth Feel Cared For and Accepted).

The debate continues as to why people become foster parents. Some believe that people do it out of love and concern for children and others feel that people "do it for the money." However many, like myself, recognize that most foster parents cannot foster- no matter how much love and concern they have in their hearts for children without monetary benefits and agency support services. Alternatively, no amount of monetary benefits and support services can make someone love and care for someone else's child if it isn't in his or her heart to do so. It is therefore clear that agency care and support of foster parents is as critical to the quality of care afforded foster children, as the assessment of foster parents' capacity to meet a child's overall needs for safety, permanency and developmental well-being.

Foster care saved my siblings and me from a life of terror at the hands of a violently abusive father, but family foster care could have been so much more than a safety net for most of us. Little effort was given by our caseworker or our foster parents in helping us maintain contact with one another and with our mother- contact that would have been a great source of comfort and emotional support for each of us. And no help was given us in coping with the numbing loss of our fam ily, with our constant worrying about each other, and our mother, and with our fears and concerns for our future. Some of my siblings grew up to have serious problems with drugs and alcohol and to have great difficulty in personal relationships problems I feel may have never developed or may have been challenged early on if they had received the open and honest care and therapeutic support they needed. In sum, foster children need so much more than room and board and until greater attention is given to the quality of foster care and to the services, and supports given to foster parents and foster children, the benefits and rewards of family foster care will continue to be debatable.

Reprinted, with permission, from Vol. 1, No. 2 of Permanency Planning Today, the newsletter of the National Resource Center for Foster Care and Permanency Planning.

 

Copyright � 2001 Jordan Institute for Families