Vol. 8, No. 1• November 2003

Letting Go the First Time

by Michelle Ziner

My husband and I and our four biological children eagerly awaited the call for our first foster placement. We had requested a child younger than our 6-year-old so as not to upset our sibling balance.

One day a beautiful 3-year-old boy arrived with huge blue eyes. He had a curious look on his face, as if he were wondering, “Who is this family? Why am I here?”

Oh, how our MAPP training echoed in the back of my mind. “This child has been removed from his security, his connections,” our leader taught. How were we to fill that void? Where do we begin? Losses and attachment were always the difficult questions for me to ponder after each MAPP class. I could nurture, I could care, I could love with all my heart, but could I let go? This question was listed repeatedly on homework as my greatest need.

None of us comes equipped with all the tools we need to foster. We all have weaknesses. Yet we cannot be afraid to forge ahead, even though we know we will come face to face with our weaknesses somewhere down the road.

Our family attached easily and quickly to this little boy. At the same time, I tried to prepare myself for the day he would leave.

That day came only one short month after he arrived. I guess I needed my training quickly! I was told he was going to live with his grandmother.

As I packed his clothes and toys the void began to set in. I thought, “This is not natural. I don’t think God ever meant for families to separate.” Helplessness overcame me. No training can equip a loving human being to let go of an innocent, dependent child. At that moment I poured my heart out to God requesting grace for this situation. Grace is a free gift and the only way to cope with the emotions I was feeling.

When the social worker and the grandmother arrived I called out for one more dose of grace, put a smile on my face, and opened the door. The little boy ran to his grandmother and hugged her. He looked exactly like her.

As he climbed into her car, he waved goodbye. I kissed him and asked his favorite question: “Who loves you, Babe?” He replied with a precious smile: “You do!”

As they drove away, I wiped away my tears and felt I had served him. I thanked God for the strength to overcome my greatest weakness: saying goodbye. I pray that I will be able to do it again.

Michelle and her family are currently caring for a 10-month-old baby boy, to whom they are very close.

Copyright � 2003 Jordan Institute for Families