By Megan Henderson
When I first became a foster parent in 2019, I didn’t have the intention of taking on long-term placements. I got licensed strictly to be a support to other foster families by providing respite care. That all changed when a 1-year-old, who I had provided respite for, needed a new foster home. Little did I know that saying “yes” to him would change my life and my family forever.
I hadn’t paid very much attention in my training classes to the part where we learned about maintaining relationships with biological families through shared parenting, because I had no intention of having to do that since I’d just be doing respite for short stints of time. But then the day came for me to meet my son’s mom.
I wasn’t sure what to think or what to do or what to say. I remember anxiously waiting in my car for the visit to end so that I could go inside and meet her. I’ll be honest and say I walked in those doors pridefully. I was the capable one and she was the incapable. It feels terrible to write, but it’s the ugly truth of what I felt that day.
But then I saw her. She was a person, just like me. A tall woman with a unique voice, a bunch of tattoos, and an obvious love for her babies. I don’t even remember the words that I spoke that day, but I will remember meeting her for the rest of my life. Meeting her face to face gave me the eyes to see her as a person in need of support and grace and encouragement and unconditional love.
My whole perspective changed that day, and my mission as a foster mom moved from “How can I best love these babies that have been placed in my home?” to “How can I love these babies and pursue their parents to ensure that they know they are loved, too?”
Over the past seven years of knowing each other, we’ve had lots of ups and downs. I will never lie and say it’s been this flawlessly beautiful relationship, and their mom wouldn’t either. There have been hurt feelings, complicated dynamics, stepping on toes, and lots of discomfort from both sides. But I will say that both she and I have done the work personally to put our kids and their needs and desires first.
I will always choose to honor and respect her as my kids’ mom. She gave them life and has biological connections to them that I will never have. She gave them their smiles, their tenacious personalities, and some of their funny quirks. She can answer questions for them that I will never be able to answer. The good, the hard, and the complicated ones. And I fully and wholeheartedly believe that she one of these most important pieces in the puzzle that is their identity.
Shared parenting has humbled me and allowed me to witness something I never expected: when we love and care for and pursue our kids’ parents, their lives might be transformed… and in turn, ours might be too.
Megan Henderson is a single foster and adoptive parent to 6 children and is licensed with Thompson Child and Family Services
