by Kelly Kirk
Resource parents are undoubtedly well-aware of the effect drug use has on families and on the children and youth in their care. They know that addiction affects the entire family.
In the U.S. in 2019, parental substance use disorder (SUD) was a factor for nearly half of all children who entered foster care. With the explosion of heroin and fentanyl use in the last few years, those numbers are no doubt on the rise. Fortunately, when foster and kinship parents and placement families possess a comprehensive understanding of the effects of addiction, they can play a powerful role in helping parents with SUD reunite with their children.
SUD and Foster Care Placement
It is a fact that addiction is a medical illness. Addiction is a brain disease. Parents struggling with drugs or alcohol can’t just stop using, any more than someone with depression can just stop feeling sad.
Parents with SUD are often unaware of how their substance use impacts their judgment and decision making about their children. This makes it hard for them to evaluate their situation. They’re likely unaware that they are neglecting their children’s needs because their mind is altered and unnaturally obsessed with the drug. Left unchecked, addiction leads to a loss of self- control and risk-taking behavior and can put children in harm’s way or leave them without effective supervision for long periods. All this can lead to a child’s placement in foster care.
Placement is an abrupt wake- up call for parents experiencing SUD. Most struggle with what’s happened and what to do about it. There are feelings of failure, fear, and hopelessness. They can be at a loss about how to “fix it” or who to ask for help.
Stigma is one of the biggest barriers to asking for help. Substance use disorder is often depicted as a moral failing or weakness. The story we get told is that these parents are choosing alcohol or drugs over their children and are to blame for their addiction, when the truth is they are struggling with a chronic health condition.
When parents experience stigma they feel judged, ashamed, or looked down upon. Stigma can also cause parents to minimize or deny the seriousness of their addiction. It can stand in the way of their seeking treatment.
Under federal law, child welfare agencies must try to achieve permanence within 12 months for children in foster care. A year can seem too short for parents who need to achieve numerous case plan goals such as finding employment, obtaining stable housing, etcetera, all while simultaneously completing treatment.
Lisa and Jami
“Having the support I did meant the difference between success and failure for me.”– Lisa, reunified mother of two
What can resource parents do to support parents with substance use disorder? To answer this question, I spoke to Lisa and Jami, two mothers who overcame their addictions to reunify with their children after they were placed in foster care or with family members. Lisa, 27, has two children who spent time in nonrelative foster care. Jami, 34, is also a mother of two. At one time her children were placed with family members. Today Jami is active in her recovery and works as a Peer Support Specialist mentoring others dealing with addiction.
While their stories differ, both Lisa and Jami had similar things to say about how resource parents helped them. Each felt supported by their children’s resource parents. Both had a personal connection and enjoyed open lines of communication.
At the same time, they knew there were boundaries. Jami recalls her grandparents as “firm” when she tried to come around while she was still using. “But,” she adds, “they were persistently encouraging.”
“Even when I was nowhere to be found for a week, Grandma still called to tell me about my daughter’s report card. They let me know it was okay for me to be where I was, and gave me the time I needed to get myself together. I knew they wanted me to be with my kids. That was comforting.”
Jami’s advice for resource parents? “Be com- passionate, understanding, and communicate. Even when you don’t understand why it’s so hard to stop using drugs, try to understand.”
Lisa shares that before she began treatment, “I felt the foster parents were looking down on me because of everything that happened. I thought for a long time they were against me and wanted to keep my kids.”
After she started treatment, she started seeing things differently. “My head was clearing,” she says. “I started to engage.”
Shared parenting made a huge difference. Lisa says the foster mom would include her in activities with the kids.
“That lifted my spirits a ton! She also kept me in the loop about what was happening with my kids. And I could tell my kids were happier that we were all getting along. It should be all about shared parenting. Having the level of support I did meant the difference between success and failure for me.”
Takeaways
If I had to name takeaways from talking with Lisa and Jami about how resource parents can support parents in recovery, I would offer the following:
Communicate. Establish open communication. Make yourself available as much as you can, even if it’s not mutual at first. “Knowing the people who had my children were willing to answer my calls meant a lot to me,” Lisa says. Setting boundaries as needed is also important. Let them know you are there to help them keep their family together.
Reassure and Empathize. Make it clear their children are safe and well-taken care of in your care. Easing their minds allows them to focus on their own progress. Try to sympathize when they share difficulties with you. It isn’t easy knowing your children are not with you because of your own actions.
Be a Cheerleader. Encourage parents to do the right things: go for treatment, reach their goals, practice self-care, and hang in there. It takes strength and courage to ask for help and do the work required to reunify. When they do well, consider giving an encouraging word.
Share Parenting. Keep parents in the loop on their children’s day-to-day activities and mile- stones and include them whenever possible. Ask questions about their children and elicit their input on parenting choices. Do what you can to ensure visits happen and go smoothly. Family time means a lot to a struggling parent. If parents give you clothing or toys for their children, make sure they see their kids with those things.
Celebrate Successes. When you see a birth parent hitting milestones or completing case plan goals, praise and encourage them to keep going. Many times the strong connection that exists between you will continue after reunification. With reunification being the ideal outcome for children, being supportive, non-judgmental, inclusive, and encouraging towards birth parents plays a huge part in outcomes for families.
The ultimate partnership is resource parents working hand-in-hand with birth parents. This helps ensure the resilience and well-being of the families resource parents so graciously assist. Be proud of the part you play in helping build families that are strong, resilient, and together.
Kelly Kirk is a Recovery Coach and Certified Peer Support Specialist embedded within Richmond County DSS. She has 8 years of personal recovery and serves as a Birth Parent on the NC Division of Social Services Child Welfare Family Advisory Council.
