by Gaile Osborne
I love that so many articles in this issue of Fostering Perspectives revolve around the idea that resource parents are critical to helping children and youth in foster care achieve permanency. I know from experience that resource parents are an essential part of the team for every young person in foster care. But I also know there are times when others on the team don’t see or treat us that way.
A Contrast in My Life
In my professional life I feel truly valued as a collaborator and a partner. I have a seat at many tables at the local, state, and national levels as I work to improve our education and child welfare systems. My opinion is asked for, heard, and many times helps shape the decisions that get made. I make referrals to agencies for children all over North Carolina, coach parents, educators, and teams, and give presentations on trauma, IEPs, and other topics. When I email an administrator in a school system or a CEO of an organization or work with a team to secure services for a child, I am treated with respect.
Yet if I bring my professional knowledge and skills to the table in my role as a resource parent, I’m sometimes told I am “opinionated,” interfering, or over-involved. When I ask questions or advocate for a child in my home to receive services that they desperately need, I run the risk of being told I am “out of my lane.”
Sometimes my participation is subtly discouraged. Instead of being invited to a meeting with a timely email or phone call, I receive a letter that arrives too late. Or I might hear, “It’s a quick meeting. You don’t have to be there.” Sometimes the message is more blatant. I have asked in court to speak, only to be shut down by child welfare workers and their supervisors. My emails may go unanswered or my calls unreturned.
How is it that as a professional I am booked a year or more out to train, invited to the table to help find solutions, and fully respected, but as a foster parent I am so often left feeling defeated and isolated?
How to Respond?
Though it may sound like I’m complaining, I’m sharing these experiences to reassure you. If these kinds of things have happened to you, you are not alone. I also want you to know that the Foster Family Alliance of NC is in your corner. FFA-NC has been advocating for foster parents to be treated as respected professionals for years. Our efforts even led the NC Foster Parent Bill of Rights to became law in 2021.
Drawing from my own experience, I’d also like to offer the following suggestions that may help the next time you feel you are not a respected part of the child’s team.
Focus on what the child needs. We all have our own ideas and priorities. But the only priority that should be at the table is the child’s best interests. In many situations where teams don’t agree or fail to collaborate, it’s due to our own personal agendas and biases. Put those aside and look only at the child’s interests.
Be courteous. Behave in a way that makes others want to work with you. Remain neutral and aware of your presence, body language, and tone at all times. Follow expectations and North Carolina child welfare policy. If you don’t know something, ask. When appropriate, ask permission before speaking. If you overstep, apologize.
When you disagree, don’t confront others in a mean-spirited way. Instead, ask for clarification. Ask the child welfare worker or supervisor to review your request and explain why the answer is different than you expected. Use words like, “Please help me understand….”
Appreciate other team members. Recognize and relate with team members and their positions. For example, guardians ad litem (GALs) are the child’s voice in court, and they are in short supply. Child welfare workers and supervisors are stressed at a level we’ve never seen. Many are leaving for other positions or retiring. In some counties, staff are inexperienced or just out of school.
Share with others how you see your role. Remind the team you are an advocate for the child. If you are like me, you are passionate about advocating. At times, I have to ask myself how I can advocate in a way that is less divisive.
Be professional. Send follow-up emails restating your understanding of conversations. Ask clarifying questions in a neutral way both verbally and in writing.
Find and offer middle ground. There are times when a compromise is possible.
Know when to sleep on it. I know firsthand that sending an email when you’re upset or angry isn’t going to go well. Get a good night’s sleep so you can move forward in a positive frame of mind the next day. If the child is currently safe and you can wait a day, it’s better for all parties.
Respect other team members’ authority. Every single person in the child’s life has an opinion. But we don’t all have the same authority. Some make decisions from hour to hour. Others make decisions day to day. And others are charged with making long-term decisions about permanency. We must remember the child welfare worker is ultimately responsible for achieving permanency for the child.
Conclusion
Being a foster parent isn’t easy. It’s honestly the most difficult thing I have done. But at the same time, it’s the most rewarding. It is not something you do half-heartedly. If you are like me, you throw yourself into the situation 3,000%. There’s nothing wrong with that, but know you will come across situations where your dedication and desire to be involved aren’t going to be appreciated or valued as much as you’d like.
In the end, my advice is to give your best for the child, regardless of the beliefs or acceptance of the team. You are an integral part of the child’s life now and in the future. That’s what matters.
Gaile Osborne is a foster and adoptive parent and Executive Director of Foster Family Alliance of NC.
