Child welfare agencies are responsible for finding and connecting with fathers of children in foster care. But resource parents also have a role to play. Here are some ways to engage the dads of children and youth in your care.
Take your cue from the agency. Don’t reach out without first consulting with your agency.
Focus on the first contact. Your first conversation or meeting is a chance to start building a positive, strengths-based relationship, free from judgments. Show dads you know how important they are to their children, and that there are some things only they can do for their kids. Reassure them by saying, “I want to help you keep your family together.”
Don’t judge. Don’t assume a father is irresponsible or neglectful even if he has been absent. Fear or other barriers may have kept him from being involved. He may have been unaware of the child’s status. Especially if there is conflict with the mom, the father may have had little contact with his child. Cultivate and affirm his desire to play a role in his child’s life.
Don’t take sides. If there is conflict between the children’s parents, stay neutral. If you have questions about how to do this, consult the child’s worker or your licensing worker.
Ask dads what questions they have for you. They may want to know: Do my kids have a room to themselves? Who bathes them? What do you tell them about why they are in foster care? How do you let them know I love them?
Ask them about their children. For example: What do they like to eat? What allergies do they have? What do they need with them at bedtime? What are their school needs? What do you want the children to call us?
Involve dads in decisions. In partnership with the agency, coordinate with fathers so they can attend medical appointments, school activities and meetings, church functions, birthdays, etc. At these functions, always introduce him as the children’s father. Ask doctors and school personnel to discuss the child’s needs with the dad. This helps dads practice parenting and makes it clear resource parents are playing a supportive role.
Focus on strengths. It may take time to get a clear sense of a father’s strengths. “Acknowledge efforts or progress he is making, from large accomplishments, like complet- ing a substance abuse program, to smaller involvement, like attending doctor appointments or a basket- ball game with the child” (Kendall & Pilnik, 2010).
A version of this article first appeared in Fostering Perspectives vol. 17, no. 2 (May 2013)
