by Kate Schultz
North Carolina has a policy, commonly known as “shared parenting,” that requires resource parents to develop partnerships with parents or guardians of children placed in foster care. Shared parenting is outlined in detail in the Permanency Planning Services section of North Carolina’s child welfare manual, which can be found here: https://bit.ly/3BnoJpR
North Carolina includes shared parenting in policy and encourages it so strongly because it has so many benefits. Shared parenting builds relationships between the child’s parents and temporary caregivers and gives resource parents a chance to model positive parenting. It can facilitate healthy attachment between children and their families, improve children’s mental health, and enhance their sense of belonging. And it can strengthen reunification efforts.
It May Be Hard at First, but It Is Worth It
In the early stages of shared parenting it is not uncommon for everyone involved to feel uncomfortable. Common barriers to navigate include fears and assumptions about the other person and what they think of you, children’s behaviors around visits, the child’s confusion in loyalty to one or both families, and safety concerns.
Yet many of the uncomfortable and awkward aspects of shared parenting begin to melt away when the families involved commit to partnering for the child’s sake.
There is no “secret sauce” or one right way to do shared parenting. What works for one pair of families might not work for another. To help you find what works for you and the parents of the children in your care, I would like to offer a few ideas and suggestions. As you consider the following strategies, please always be sure to honor the case plan and any safety measures established by the agency.
Ways to Connect
- Share your phone number and email address. If needed, use apps such as Google Voice or WhatsApp to set up a phone number you use only for shared parenting.
- Send photos and updates regularly so parents know about and can celebrate the child’s milestones, report cards, progress, activities, etc.
- Make contact throughout the week. Frequent phone calls, video calls, etc. don’t have to be long to help both the child and their parent feel connected.
- Invite parents to parent-teacher conferences, school activities, extracurriculars, etc. Note that some agencies will also require a child welfare worker to be present.
- Speak positively and respectfully about the child’s parents. The kids need to see you on the same team.
- If it is safe to do so, maintain the child’s connections to grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, etc. Preserving these relationships can minimize trauma, facilitate healthy attachment, and reduce the child’s sense of loss.
- Seek parents’ guidance about the child’s preferences (favorite foods, activities, shows, etc.).
- Speak to them with compassion and respect. Remind them you are here for them and their child. You both have a shared love for and desire to see the child grow and succeed.
- Ask the school, daycare, etc. to make two crafts, one for you and one for the child’s parents, especially on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and other significant holidays. Being included in these important memories and milestones in the child’s life means a great deal.
- Transport the child for visits whenever possible. You’d be amazed how much you can build a relationship with parents in the minutes before or after the visit.
- Acknowledge the family’s strengths frequently. Tell them and tell their worker. Parents have so many people telling them how to be better. It’s encouraging to hear genuine praise.
- Don’t be afraid to question what you’ve heard about children’s parents. Give them the chance to have a clean slate with you.
- Don’t be afraid to go the extra mile. It can make a world of difference to go above and beyond what you think is expected of you as a resource parent.
Please remember that you don’t have to do all these things all the time to be successful in building relationships with the families you encounter as a resource parent. Pick one or a few things to try and start there!
If parents don’t respond the way you expect, don’t be discouraged. Often, families aren’t used to someone genuinely being in their corner. They may be caught off guard or even resist. Stick with it. It can take a while before shared parenting feels more natural, but it is incredibly worth it.
One Final Message
I want to leave you with one final message. While it’s important to build relationships and strive to co-parent and navigate shared parenting as much as possible, it’s also really important to establish boundaries that protect your mental health, personal life, and schedule.
You don’t need to be available to children’s parents 24/7 to have a successful shared parenting relationship. Establishing boundaries clearly and up front can help you avoid miscommunication, unintentional hurt, and burnout.
Don’t forget to take care of you!
Kate Schultz is a foster parent and Director of Operations for the Foster Family Alliance of NC.
Helpful Considerations for Shared Parenting
- Remember, the primary goal of foster care is reunification. Resource parents should do whatever they can to encourage reunification and set the child and their family up for success when that takes place.
- Be aware that generational trauma influences many families involved with the foster care program. The hurt is often deeply rooted: some parents with children in care were once in foster care themselves. They may be navigating years’ worth of their own trauma without support, guidance, or help.
- Choose a trauma-informed lens. When interacting with parents and guardians of the children in our care, consider the question “what happened to you?” instead of “what’s wrong with you?” Of course, we don’t need to actually ask “what happened to you?” out loud, but it is a helpful lens. Some families I’ve worked with as a resource parent have entrusted me with details of their past that brought me to tears, softened my heart towards them, and deepened my understanding and compassion when navigating my relationships with them.
- Evaluate your prejudices and assumptions. We all hold biases, conscious and unconscious. Putting in the work to break them down creates space to view things from a different perspective and allows us to be more open to partnering with children’s families.
- Put yourself in their shoes. Parents of children and youth in foster care may be haunted by questions such as Where is my child? Did they make it to school on time today? Are they safe? Is my child afraid? Did they cry for me at bedtime? It can be easier to have compassion for parents when we acknowledge their humanity and validate the fear, trauma, stress, and uncertainty they may be navigating.
- Keep in mind that it isn’t your responsibility to monitor or discuss the parents’ case plan with them. If that topic comes up, encourage them to speak with their child welfare worker or attorney. The primary goal of shared parenting is to support the parent/child relationship, not offer legal advice or do the job of the worker.
