While exploring the idea of becoming a foster parent, a mentor described foster parenting as a roller coaster ride, and it has stuck with me ever since. I never fully understood what she meant until we became a foster family ourselves. As a big fan of roller coasters, I always think about the nervous anticipation, the exhilarating drops, the fast-paced turns, and especially the “airtime” – when you feel like you’re floating for just a few seconds! It really gets my heart racing in a good way. When we compare foster care to a roller coaster, there are some awesome, heart racing moments and there are lots of moments when we are just coasting along, and then there are the sudden dips or sharp turns that really throw us for a loop.
So how do we prepare for the dips, the big drops, the sharp turns – the challenges? How do we maintain longevity as foster parents when foster parent turnover is common? How do we keep going when it starts to get really hard?
One thing we can do is create a self-care plan now, so you don’t have to do the hard work of creating a plan when you are barely keeping your head above water!
It was my 11th grade English teacher that suggested I think of the 5 W’s – who, what, when, where and why?
- Who can help? Who is in your support network? Friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, other foster parents, the parents of your children’s friends, your licensing worker, the foster care social worker, Guardian ad Litem, counselors, therapists, the Foster Family Alliance of North Carolina, etc. Organize their contact information in one place, so it’s easy to access.
- What can your support network do? Do they have any “specialties”? Can they deliver meals, provide gift cards, pick up groceries or do your laundry? Can they watch the kids for a few hours while you rest upstairs? Can they listen, offer support and advise when requested or needed? Your agency contacts can offer trainings, resources and referrals to support you while you support the children and youth in your home.
- When do you need support? Are there specific times of the day or week that are most challenging? If you’re unsure, try to start tracking the tough times. Do they happen daily? Just in the mornings? Just after school? When they happen, who are the people you can call for help with just a moment’s notice? Who needs to be your scheduled helpers? Do you have a back up plan? And maybe even a back up to your back up?
- Where? Will they come to your house? Will they meet you at the park so the kids can play and you can catch up with another adult? Will they plan an activity with the children for a morning/afternoon/all day providing you with needed respite care?
- Why? Because we learned it in our pre-service training – you can’t pour everything you have into another person without filling your cup too! So plan ahead, set time aside for you to FILL your cup! That may mean asking for HELP, asking for SUPPORT, and/or asking for RESOURCES!
So, it’s usually at this point that foster parents say something along the lines of “I’ve got this.” Or “We’re doing fine.” Until they don’t have it. I know, I’ve been there too. Shortly after a new child joined our family, I’d get the excited comments and questions from family and friends asking how things are going. In the beginning, my pat answer was always “Oh, we’re just adjusting to our new normal” which usually meant I was almost drowning, but too proud to ask for help. Foster parenting is HARD and we signed up for this so it’s kind of like we asked for it!
I’ve come to learn after years of being a foster parent that it’s hard for us as foster parents AND it’s hard for social workers, for Guardians ad Litem, for birth parents and, it’s especially hard the children and youth in foster care. So, seek support from those who can support you and give yourself a little grace.
Not every day will be a great day where you’re getting good “airtime” just floating along, so be prepared for the sharp turns and big drops by:
- Creating your Self-Care Plan now.
- Creating a “Feel Good File” – Seriously, write down the good stories and experiences and save them! Save the positive notes and emails! Then when times are challenging, go find that file to give yourself some encouragement to keep going.
- Remember your 100% today and your 100% tomorrow may look really different from each other. Like Alexander’s mom from the book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day says “Some days are just like that.” And that’s ok because tomorrow is a new day.
- All families, youth and children have strengths AND needs! Being able to identify a NEED is a STRENGTH! Your licensing worker should NOT be the last person to know that you have needs. Talk with them and give them the opportunity to support you too!
- Let go of the things that are out of your control. Focus on the children and youth in your home and be the best foster parent they’ve ever had for as long as they’re with you – whether it’s a few days, a few months, a few years or forever. Love them, care for them, provide for them, and keep them safe.
- Take time to grieve. Our family always took long breaks between placements because we needed time to feel the emotions, work through our losses, and heal – even when we knew the children were in a good place.
- Encourage connections between children and their siblings, birth family and friends to add to their sense of stability. As a new foster parent, I was worried about connecting with their birth mom, but engaging in shared parenting made everyone’s life easier, not harder.
Everyone needs encouragement, so keep up the good work! It can be difficult to think about your longevity as a foster parent when you’re just trying to make it through the day, but with each day you are gaining valuable wisdom, insight, and experience. Remember that you are making a difference in the lives of youth and families in foster care!
Barbara Young is a former foster parent, a Family Partner with the North Carolina Child Welfare Advisory Council, and a Co-Trainer of Leaders in TIPS-MAPP and Deciding Together.
