Being in foster care can evoke a range of complex emotions for children, each with unique experiences. These emotions can significantly impact their mental well-being, from abandonment to confusion to happiness. As someone who has worked with children in the foster care system since 2012, I have witnessed firsthand their challenges and the resilience they demonstrate. I saw brave children who faced many obstacles and overcame many barriers. Even now, as I provide psychotherapy to children in foster care, many leave my office only to put a “mask” back on, hiding their hurt and pain in fear of their peers using it as a weakness. A mask can also hide feelings of happiness and love from their foster parents, for they do not know how long the relationship will last. The imper- manence within the foster care system can be taxing on one’s mental health. However, it is crucial for foster parents to understand the importance of creating an environment that prioritizes mental health.
Why is it important for foster parents to create an environment that speaks to mental health?
Just as physical safety is essential, emotional safety is vital in supporting children’s well-being. As a psychotherapist working closely with foster parents, I emphasize the need for vulnerability and openness within the home environment.
I’ve had foster parents tell me that people rarely think about how hard it is for them—to be open and connect with a child, only for them to leave one day without any guarantee of future contact. Addressing topics such as pain and impermanence—the change involved—and most importantly healing, we create an atmosphere that acknowledges mental health concerns.
Creating an environment inviting enough for children to feel vulnerable requires fostering vulnerability within ourselves as foster parents. It is important for foster parents to have their own therapist so the child knows that the foster parent attends therapy just like them. Too often, a foster child’s environment isn’t welcoming to mental health care, so like anything else you don’t see in your environment, you most likely will not do it yourself.
Foster parents possess more influence than they may realize when it comes to shaping their child’s well-being. While professional therapy is valuable, fostering open communication through dedicated “Power Hour” sessions can work wonders for building trust and understanding between parent and child.
“Power Hour” is a dedicated time that foster parents set aside each day for the child to talk about whatever feelings, likes, dislikes, and worries they may have. Whether or not they use it daily is not the concern; the important part is that the space is consistently available for them. Remember, when youth are removed from their homes it’s a cha- otic event for everyone. It may feel hard to receive answers to all of your questions, but still necessary to have as much information as possible to make informed decisions. Having key information upfront can decrease the possibility of later disruption. It’s very unfortunate, but there are times when youth are moved from a foster or kinship home due to a scheduling or childcare issue that could have been resolved prior to the youth moving in.
Why is it important for foster parents to create an environment that speaks to mental health?
Many argue that our habits are directly associated with our mental health. You may be familiar with the phrase; you are what you eat. Unhealthy foods can make us feel sluggish, providing us with little energy, which could exacerbate negative mental health symptoms. Exercising is also a habit that leads to positive mental health.
As parents, it’s important that your child sees you implementing healthy habits seeing you increase their chances of engaging in the same activities.
Some examples include:
- Encourage physical activities like walking or cycling together as a family.
- Model healthy eating habits by incorporat- ing nutritious meals into daily routines.
- Engage in therapeutic activities such as reading or journaling together.
- Share your experiences of seek- ing therapy or counseling, normalizing the idea, and reducing stigma.
A good time to ask your child about their day would be around a dinner table every night or on a nice walk while soaking up some vitamin D. I cook dinner for my children every evening, and we eat at the dinner table. Usually before dinner we walk around the neighborhood as a family and discuss our day. Most evenings, my kids see me reading a book and after I’m done, they ask if they can read a book to me. If I drink more water, they want to drink water. They ask for more veggies on their plate if they see me munch down my veggies. I tell them I speak with a counselor to discuss my feelings, and guess what? My daughter was willing to speak with her very own counselor at the young age of four. Focusing on our habits will allow our children to learn positive habits that can be used as coping skills even when we aren’t around.
Why is it important for foster parents to create an environment that speaks to mental health?
When I work with foster parents, one of their biggest concerns is whether they’re doing a good job. They question themselves on being a good fit for a kid or just being a good foster parent. These intrusive thoughts, negative thinking, and worry can change how our children think about themselves. I have also been a believer in energy, and children and adolescents are some of the best readers of it. They can read confidence or the lack thereof. It is important for them to see you make and handle those mistakes without panicking or giving up. Too often, they go into new homes thinking that they must be perfect or they will be relocated, so many self-sabotage the relationship or placement to beat you to the punch.
Giving grace is one of our biggest parenting tools—for our children and ourselves. I suggest to many of the families that I work with to utilize an acronym that I use with families called FANOS.
F-Feelings: What have you been feeling this week?
A-Affirmation: Something that each of you has done well recently.
N-Needs: What do you need from me?
O-Ownership: What can I take ownership of and do better?
S-Strengths: Name an area that we’re strong in.
Try this activity weekly. One day, you will no longer need the acronym, and it will come naturally. But if it doesn’t, that’s okay. You’re not perfect, and that’s perfectly fine.
Creating a nurturing environment that prioritizes mental health is crucial for foster parents in supporting the well-being of the children in their care. By fostering open communication through “Power Hour” sessions, modeling healthy habits, embracing imperfection while utilizing tools like FANOS to encourage self-reflection and growth within the family unit, foster parents can provide a foundation for positive mental health outcomes. Remember that you are not expected to be perfect. But, through your genuine efforts and commitment to creating a safe and supportive environment, you can make a lasting impact on a child’s life. During this time you can support the team by giving suggestions about treatment services, sharing about the youth’s preferences, and offering to speak to the new caregiver. Resource parents need to show youth they have their best interest in mind, and that starts from day one, and doesn’t have an end date.
Dr. Andrews is a licensed professional counselor and certified rehabilitation counselor (CRC) based out of Charlotte who specializes in trauma. Dr. Andrews serves individuals, couples, and families—-working closely with children and adolescents, addressing various forms of trauma.
