The holiday season is an exciting time. Decorating, parties, gifts to purchase and wrap, and just an overall sense of joy. However, for children in care, this time can be confusing and bring about unwanted emotions. Over my seven years as a foster parent, I learned that navigating this time of year can be challenging, but the smiles and excitement from the children were the greatest rewards.
One of the biggest lessons I learned as a foster parent around the holidays was to be flexible and adapt to the situation. One of the children that we cared for during the holidays was ordered to have a visit on Christmas Day. I was frustrated at first. It felt like our own traditions were being pushed aside, and I didn’t like it. But then I saw the looks on the birth parents faces when they saw their baby on his first Christmas and my frustrations dissolved. It wasn’t about me in that moment. It was about allowing this family to have a bit of normalcy in a time of chaos.
Normalcy, or as close to normal as can be created, is important for children in care. One thing we always tried to do was ask our children or their birth family about traditions that were important to them and incorporate them into our own traditions. It could be as simple as a favorite food, movie, letting the child write letters to Santa, or singing songs together.
The holidays can also serve as an opportunity to provide updates on the child in a less formal setting. I would often gift birth parents a framed photo collage of the child made by the child. If the child was old enough, I would take them shopping for a more personalized gift. My hopes were that this would provide motivation and give that birth parent something that they could hold onto during times apart. It also gave the child some control over something in a situation where they have so little.
My natural reaction was to always go overboard and do as much or give as much as I could during the holidays. It was easy to do, and, in some ways, I really think it was okay. Building gingerbread houses, making holiday cookies, hot chocolate from Starbucks, riding around to look at Christmas lights, leaving out milk and cookies for Santa, watching holiday movies, and all the other moments that can help create positive core memories for children.
Yet, sometimes these moments can evoke emotions and confusion in children which could result in increased behaviors. Just remain patient and remember to not take the behaviors personally. Give them a safe space to talk about their emotions or provide other therapeutic outlets. Journaling for those that are older can be helpful. For the younger children, we would have nightly dance parties. It allowed the children a chance to release some of their emotions that they didn’t understand or were about to process.
At all times, keeping the child and what is in their best interest is what we’re all striving to do, and at the holidays this is especially important. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle, but watching for their cues and taking the time out to make some special allowances for them can go a long way to provide normalcy for them and sup- port the whole family.
Melissa Russell was a foster parent for seven years and now serves on the NC State Child Welfare Family Advisory Council. She is the parent of two children adopted from foster care. She resides with her family in Forsyth County. Melissa works as a behavioral health nurse and has a passion for mental healthcare.
