“I got to spend the day with my hero.” How a little boy answered when asked, “What did you like best about the day?” His hero was his father and they were participating in Parent Day at a prison in late June.
Many (I’d even say most) children of incarcerated parents love their parents. They may not like them on certain days (welcome to the child-parent relationship!) but they love them and want to figure out what their relationship looks and feels like now that their parent is away.
The quote above is a short but powerful reminder of how important it is to children to maintain their relationships with their parents, even if those parents are incarcerated. We, the adults – the big people in a child’s life – can help them do this.
Even when a decision has been made that it’s not safe for the child to have a relationship with his parent, it’s still important for a person trusted by the child to be able to explain this to the child, answer questions, and provide support. Out of sight is NOT out of mind. Our goal is not to “make” the child forget.
At Our Children’s Place we remind folks that we don’t all need to be therapists or mental health professionals. But we never know who a child will talk to about their parent, so we believe it’s important for all the adults in a child’s life to have at least a basic understanding of what children experience when they are separated from their parents. What a wonderful way to reduce possible shame, stigma, and a sense of isolation if you’re the adult a child can talk to!
Language
Words matter! Instead of inmate, convict, or offender, think “mother, father, parent.” Listen to how a child refers to his parent and use that as your cue. Think also about conversations about a parent that a child isn’t part of but can overhear. Language matters then too.
Know the difference between jail (local, county facility usually run by the sheriff) and prison (state facility run by the North Carolina Department of Adult Correction, DAC, or federally run by the Bureau of Prisons, BOP).
The words we use may stem from our feelings about people who are or have been involved in the justice system. Acknowledging those feelings is important as you support a child and interact with the parent. Avoid badmouthing the parent; this can confuse the child emotionally. You may not agree with the parent’s choices and actions but he is still the child’s parent.
Visiting in Jail or Prison
Ask how DSS handles visiting for children with incarcerated parents. Will you be part of that? What are the expectations? Think about preparing a child for a visit and debriefing afterwards. It’s always wise to contact a facility right before a visit to confirm rules (such as contact visit vs. behind the glass), times, procedures (will a child have to go through a metal detector?), and any other impor- tant information and to share that with a child in an age-appropriate manner, which may include role- playing.
We’ve put together resources about preparing for a visit, telling a child the truth, locating the parent, and more.
Virtual visits are available at some facilities but not all. These are a tool to support the child-parent relationship but should not replace in person visits.
Some people think visiting a parent in jail or prison isn’t good for a child. If the child has a therapist or counselor, talk with that person. If it’s decided that right now visiting isn’t in the child’s best interest (vs. not convenient for the adults), ask if there’s a plan to re-evaluate in the future. Children may also change their minds about visiting; a younger child might be excited about seeing her mother while an older child might be bored with a prison visit after having gone on several. A child should not be forced to visit.
A visit can reassure a child that the parent is still around, is doing alright, and still loves the child. Children who don’t have the opportunity to visit may base their vision of prison on what they see on TV, at the movies, or online.
Other Ways to Communicate
Visiting isn’t the only way to communicate. Phone calls to incarcerated parents can be expensive, are usually time-limited, and may be difficult for younger children. Consider talking with a child ahead to time to plan for the call: what time of the day it might come, what a child wants to share with a parent, what to do if the child doesn’t feel like talking, etc.
Letter writing may seem outdated but for many of us, there’s something to be said for mail that arrives addressed to you, that was written by a person who loves you, and that you can read over and over again. Check on limitations set by DSS and the prison. Can a parent write directly to a child or must it go through a third person? The NC prison mail system changed in 2022 which means incarcerated people receive copies of mail, not originals. Some people in jail and prison have access to tablets, others do not.
Younger children may want to send drawings or other artwork. They could start a drawing or a story then send it to their parent who adds to the drawing or story and sends it back. Again, check on what a parent can receive. A child may want to create a special box or scrapbook in which to store mail received from a parent. We’ve created a list of “together apart” activities that we can provide to resource families and professionals.
Be Creative
Think about ways to engage an incarcerated parent in their child’s life. How about sending a copy of a child’s report card or certificate of achievement? How about clipping a newspaper article about a child’s basketball game or school play and sending it to the parent? Is it possible to have a parent- teacher conference via conference call?
These require extra time and effort, but can make a difference in the child’s relationship with the parent.
Recognizing Trauma
Having a parent in jail or prison often is a source of trauma for children. This may include witnessing a parent being arrested and adjusting to a parent returning home after serving a sentence.
We all appreciate when someone really listens to us, without interruption and without judgment. Think about that when a child tells you how she’s feeling about what happened with her parent. Acknowledge feelings, be open to listening to what can be hard to hear, answer honestly and age appropriately when asked questions (“I don’t know” may be appropriate if followed up with “But let’s find the answer.”), and encourage her to come back if she wants to talk more. Explore finding a counselor or therapist with experience working with children in these situations if it seems like this intervention will be helpful to the child.
Support for You
Don’t forget to take care of yourself as you care for a child with an incarcerated parent. Exposure to the justice system may challenge some of your perceptions. You may be asked to take on responsibilities you haven’t anticipated (such as co-parenting with an incarcerated parent). Maybe you, too, feel alone and unsupported. Consider what you need for your own care before you need it.
Our efforts together mean we can create a community where children of incarcerated and returning parents are recognized, supported rather than shamed and stigmatized, and encouraged to share their stories.
Melissa Radcliff is the Program Director of Our Children’s Place (OCP) of Coastal Horizons. OCP
is a statewide education and advocacy program focused on community support for children of incarcerated and returning parents. www.ourchildrensplace.com
