Throughout this issue of Fostering Perspectives, you have read several pieces from resource parents, professionals, and those with lived experience working hard to create change in the child welfare system. Sometimes, three people can create impactful change in one another. I recently had the pleasure of speaking with Stephen, Kara, and Viridy. We hopped on a Zoom call together and I was amazed at how three warm, welcoming, and humble people created change by simply being themselves.
This story starts when Stephen and Kara went through pre-service training to become foster parents. They were open to fostering various age ranges. Stephen’s only request: the child or youth had to be potty-trained. They did not have children of their own, and the idea of parenting for the first time was intimidating, so they wanted to start out providing respite.
Enter Viridy. Viridy was sixteen years old and already wise beyond her years. She had been in foster care for a couple of years, and requested coming into care at the age of fourteen knowing it provided her with a better chance to thrive. When her previous placement disrupted on a Friday afternoon, Stephen and Kara were contacted and asked to take Viridy for the weekend. The ink was still drying on their new foster home license, and they were told if they couldn’t take her for the weekend, there were really no other viable options.
As Stephen and Kara waited for Viridy to arrive on that fateful Friday night, they told me “We have never been that scared in our lives.” On Viridy’s way to their house she remembers being mad at her social worker for bringing her to a new placement. She wanted to go to a group home with her former foster sister, but her social worker asked her to “try Stephen and Kara’s home for a few days.” When Viridy stepped out of the car, Stephen and Kara remember thinking “she doesn’t look that scary.” Viridy remembers seeing their pristine white couch and thinking “this placement won’t last long.”
Then something happened that isn’t always the norm when new foster parents get their first placement.
They all got along. Really well.
I asked them why they think the placement worked so well and all three of them had trouble putting it into words. However, one theme remained consistent across their answers: they communicated early, often, and honestly. One of Viridy’s first questions was “what are your house rules?” Kara’s response, “what do you think the house rules should be?”
As often happens with short-term placements, there was a need for Stephen and Kara to keep Viridy longer than the initial three days. It was an easy decision for everyone. Viridy would stay. Stephen and Kara wanted to put Viridy first.
Viridy was placed with Stephen and Kara shortly before the COVID-19 pandemic shut the world down. They were all stuck inside together and something remarkable happened. They still got along really well. They played games together every night and their bond with one another continued to grow.
They went on family trips together, went fishing, went four-wheeling, and openly communicated the whole time. One day, seemingly out of nowhere, Viridy called Stephen “dad.” Talking to them, you could tell this was a very powerful moment in their relationship as Stephen became emotional describing it. Soon after, Viridy called Kara “mom.”
When Viridy was getting ready to turn 18, Stephen and Kara kept it “Viridy first.” They could have adopted her but wanted her to be able to benefit financially from the Foster Care 18-21 Program. “She spent a lot of time in the system, she should be able to benefit from it,” Stephen said.
When she turned 22 this year, Stephen and Kara adopted Viridy to make it official. As soon as the adoption was official, Viridy admitted she did in fact spill something on their white couch but was able to clean it before they noticed.
Viridy has had a busy year. She has gotten married and gave birth to a happy and healthy son, giving Stephen and Kara their first grandchild.
I asked Stephen and Kara what Viridy taught them, and they replied “she taught us about tenacity. She taught us about the importance of family. Parenting her has even made us closer as a couple.” Viridy said Stephen and Kara taught her to “be a leader, not a follower.” In other words, Viridy needs to put Viridy first.
Stephen, Kara, and Viridy want those reading this who are thinking about fostering a teen to give it a chance if they feel equipped to do so. Keep communicating and show one another respect, even if you’re having a disagreement.
I closed by asking Stephen and Kara their hopes for Viridy. They proudly replied “we want her to be whatever she wants to be. She’s already a great mother and a great wife.” Kara then asked Viridy “what do we always remind you when you’re planning your future?”
Viridy laughed and replied, “Viridy first.”
