By Titianna “Titi” Goings
All stories are unique but wait until you read about how my kinship journey started and where we are today. Go ahead and put your seatbelt on.
Growing up as a foster youth, I craved those family bonds I saw my peers had at the Friday night football games in high school. I wanted to be with my biological family, even if the system deemed them “dysfunctional.”
At 19 years old I broke the voluntary agreement I entered that kept me in foster care beyond my 18th birthday. Shortly after, I rented an apartment and instead of focusing on my well-being and continuing my education, I invited my mother to bring all her luggage and baggage (literally) to come live and build a life with me. I did not care that she was using drugs. I thought building a new relationship, sharing our hurt, and explanations for my “why’s” with her would strengthen our bond. All I wanted was a fresh start.
In the mix of dishonesty and “love-bombing,” my mother would sneak around and continue her ways, having unhealthy sexual relationships which resulted in the birth of my WONDERFUL little brother. After postpartum test results concluded and social worker visits started with my mother, my stable home was the start for a hope of keeping my mother and brother together.
When my mother did not do her part and the workers started talking about taking my little brother into care, the memories of being in care started to hit me. Memories of the day my siblings and I were told we were going to have to be split up. The memories of scheduled visits and monitored calls. I had to do something. I could not stand to see another one of us in the system and quite naturally as a sister, I am attached and I wanted my baby brother to know his real siblings, his cousins, aunts, and uncles. I did not want my memories to be my baby brother’s reality when he wanted to see or speak to me, HIS SISTER.
My brother, now 11 years old, enjoys STEM and art. I hope he continues to be curious and creative. I hope his curiosity sparks an interest in making changes to anything he questions or feels is unfair. I dream he grows up to be a decent Black man that will break generational bondage and build a life with someone who loves him.
We all know the saying, “Parenting does not come with a handbook.” Times were hard for me, even dark, so I want to share with kinship caregivers to give yourself grace, accept help, and “water your own plant.” I missed out on helpful incentives and social support because I did not want the system to think I could not provide for my brother. I grew up in the system, so no one could tell me to trust the system.
Finally, give yourself grace, even for the smallest things. I remember I used to beat myself up and battle with myself about if I was a “great mom.” I eventually took myself to therapy and utilized community support like free food and clothes or camps, and basketball at the YMCA. I soon realized I could not even be a “decent mom” if I wasn’t mentally and emotionally well.
Titianna “Titi” Goings is a SYNC Health Education Trainer with the Children’s Home Society of North Carolina. She has lived experience in foster care and is a kinship caregiver to her brother.
