By Kate Schultz
Grief and loss are inevitable in foster care and, at times, the weight of goodbye can feel like the air has escaped from our lungs. We wonder, “How could I ever possibly go through another goodbye like this again?” Somehow, we pick up the pieces of our shattered hearts, knowing another precious child will carry a piece of us with them forever. Then, in the midst of joy that a child has reunified and despite the pain we might feel for our own broken hearts, we answer the phone again, “Yes, I can bring this child into my home.”
There is resilience in saying yes again after loss. I welcomed children into my home and loved them as my own, knowing their stay was temporary. I’ve watched them leave and wondered if I would ever see them again. Some reunified with biological parents who fought hard and did the work to show up as the healthiest versions of themselves for their children. Others transitioned to kinship placements, sometimes with just a few hours’ notice, leaving me scrambling to pack their tiny belongings while trying to prepare my heart for the sudden goodbye. Some children needed more than I could provide, and I grieved as the difficult decision was made to transition them to placements that could better meet their complex needs. Some of my kids have stayed forever, yet grief remains because love and loss always coexist in adoption.
There are many resource parents that have gone before me and many that will come after who I may classify as more qualified to give advice about continuing to foster, but I have learned a few things in my journey as a foster parent that I believe you may find comfort, solidarity, or hope in.
In my experience, a common question received by resource parents who foster for several years or foster many children is, “How do you keep doing this? How do you find the strength to open your home and your heart over and over again when you know the pain of goodbye is inevitable?” The answer is not a one-size-fits-all, but there are ways to navigate the grief and continue forward with intention.
Seek Therapy
Grief is complex and the emotions experienced in fostering are unique. In some cases, it can feel like grieving the death of a child, even though they are very much alive. One day, they are ingrained in every fiber of your daily life and the next, they are gone from your home but never your mind or heart. Sometimes, we are really fortunate when communication, visits, and updates become part of the story of families’ lives woven together through foster care and in others, there may be no contact for a variety of reasons. Having a safe space like therapy can help you navigate your own complex emotions including joy for a child’s reunification, sadness and grief for the loss you feel, and the lingering fear of another goodbye if you open your heart and home again. When seeking a therapist, make sure they’re a good fit. It’s ok if the first therapist or modality doesn’t work for you. What matters is that you feel supported to grow and heal.
Have a Supportive Community
Foster parenting is not meant to be done in isolation. Having a strong support system, whether it’s fellow foster parents who understand the unique challenges you experience, friends who show up with a meal and a listening ear, or family members who love both you and the children in your home, makes all the difference. Building a village can include your neighbors, friends, family members, and/or others in your community. Having a strong support system doesn’t just benefit you, it’s also a protective factor for the children in your home by giving them social connections and more positive adult relationships.
Build Resilience
Resilience is not something you either have or don’t have; it’s something you build. Cultural and spiritual support, community resources, ongoing education, and self-care all play a role in sustaining resource parents through seasons of loss. Finding healthy coping mechanisms such as journaling, exercise, prayer, or creative outlets can provide the strength to continue. The Community Resiliency Model (CRM) was, and continues to be, one of the most impactful tools for building resilience in my own life.
Know When to Take a Break
There is wisdom in resting. Taking a break between placements does not mean you are giving up. It simply means you are replenishing your capacity to love and serve well. A burned-out foster parent cannot show up wholeheartedly for a child experiencing foster care. Knowing when to step back allows you to eventually step back in with intention, offering not just a home, but the best version of yourself to both the child and their family.
To my fellow resource parents: I see you. I hear you. I share your story. You are not alone in your grief, in your love, or in your willingness to keep going despite the heartache. The safe haven you create in your home, your advocacy, and your love are never wasted.
To those who are in the village: thank you. Being present in our lives matters more than you know. Whether you bring a meal, send a text to check in, help pack a child’s belongings, or simply sit with us in our grief, your encouragement helps us keep going. You grieve with us, celebrate with us, and remind us that we do not walk this road alone.
Stepping into foster care comes with a cost. Our job as resource parents is a sacred one: to love, protect, and nurture someone else’s child like they are your own and to provide a safe place to land until they can return home. Foster care is about believing that families belong together and coming alongside them to be their village when they need it most. It asks you to say yes even when you know that heartbreak is a possibility, if not a certainty, and we do it because every child is worth it.
Kate Schultz, M.Ed. is a licensed foster parent and the Director of Development with the Foster Family Alliance of North Carolina
