By Nadine and Marie
Nadine: My foster care journey began in 2016. As a newly licensed foster parent I didn’t really understand what shared parenting was or what it should look like. I knew from training that reunification was always the goal, but I had very little understanding of how it happened. I didn’t understand the depth of bringing a baby home from the hospital and spending the next two years loving them and caring for them to then step away when reunification happened.
Our first placement left a permanent scar on my heart and taught me the importance of shared parenting. I left most of the communication between myself and the biological parents up to the social worker. I was encouraged to create a Google phone number where updates about my placements doctor appointments and pictures could be shared. We met in parking lots and passed the baby back and forth when unsupervised visits began. We stood tearfully in that same parking lot saying goodbye for the last time when reunification happened.
That is the reality of foster care. For many cases, that’s the level of relationship formed between the biological and foster family. That biological family never knew where we lived and never saw the home their baby lived in for the first two years of her life.
That story is a success. That little girl went home to a mamma and daddy that loved her very much and worked hard to make changes. After reunification, I never saw that baby in person again. There was no relationship between her parents and us. That was when I started understanding how important it is to do the hard work of opening ourselves up to these parents. It’s on us as foster parents to try to remove the fear these parents have towards us, no matter our own fears. We care for their children, and they deserve to know who we are.
Shared parenting is not always an option. Sometimes there are safety concerns and court orders that prohibit it. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, parents aren’t able or interested in participating in shared parenting, but often it’s our own fears that stop us from pursuing that relationship. When both sides are willing to work together for the best interest of the child, shared parenting can be surprisingly easy. We get to know and love our kiddos family. We get to be the cheerleader for them as they do the hard work, and we can celebrate with them as they make steps towards reunification. When that last pick up happens and you say goodbye it leaves a door open for future communication. You become a safe place for the family and not just the child. When it works well? It’s amazing! Like when I met a sweet mama in the hospital in 2023 as I was preparing to bring her newborn daughter home with me…
Marie: When I found out I was pregnant in August 2022 while in full blown addiction you can imagine this wasn’t something I had planned. I continued to use during pregnancy without seeking any prenatal care. I believed I was going to get clean just before my due date to avoid losing my daughter. Much to my surprise I went into labor four weeks early, shocked and scared, with full knowledge of the hospital finding out I was using. I wish that I could share a positive hospital experience but for me there was none. On a Friday afternoon after five days, I was discharged while my daughter stayed in the NICU. It was only two short days later that I got the call from a social worker that I would not be allowed to bring my daughter home when she was discharged. I was flooded with emotion despite already knowing this was most likely going to happen. This would be my first experience with DSS.
I was riddled with fear and anxiety. Having a daughter who was born dependent and needed extra care, love, and patience, I knew that she needed someone who loved her as much as I did. At the time, the only stories I had ever heard about social services were negative. I was terrified she would be placed with a family that might try to make it difficult for me to gain custody or even worse, a neglectful and unloving family. I had no idea what an amazing and loving home my daughter was about to have.
Upon my first meeting with Nadine, I was unsure how to navigate our relationship or how open she might be to having one. One thing was certain, I was willing to do whatever was in the best interest of my daughter. Fortunately, Nadine felt the same way. She was always making sure to send me text and picture updates on how my little one was doing. This helped me feel more comfortable and less like I was missing out. I was sure to let her know that I wanted to be able to attend all the appointments. For me, this was an important part of feeling included in the parenting process. Attending all the appointments allowed the two of us the opportunity to get to know one another.
Having support from the foster family is not only beneficial for the birth parents but also for the child. It can be confusing to have to move from one family to another and to have to adapt to those changes. For the child to witness the foster and birth parents working together to ensure what is in the best interest for them during placement and after reunification might help reduce the amount of stress and anxiety that the child might experience.
